Setzie

"Oh and I don't know...I don't know what he's after; but he's so beautiful...such a beautiful disaster..."

~*~

April 28, 2006

I'm writing this from my dad's office, on the 26th floor of a really tall building...and its sooo cold, and I'm wearing shorts--you can imagine that I'm really going nuts because i'm so cold. Well, I'm not all that freaked out. But I did need to go to the bathroom earlier and I couldn't because I'm a coward and I remembered the stories of Jean, my one of my best friends, about bathrooms... one about the hung girl and another was of the faucet lady... I went to the bathroom earlier. The first thing I noticed were the dead lights on the ceiling. Immediately, I thought "aww, shit". So I went to get tissue near the sinks. I looked at the mirrors and I remembered jean's story about the faucet lady. I freaked out and the next thing I remember, I was holding about...oh, a mile-long of tissue. Hahaha. Then I went to the stalls. I looked at the first stall, there was a small vent on top that reminded me of the hung-girl story of jean. So, I went to the last stall. Above that stall was a attic entrance of some sort...kind of like what the house in Fatal Frame 3 had. it was so freaky. So I went in the middle one. I closed the cubicle door and then stood there for about two seconds before completely chickening out and running out of the bathroom. What happened to the mile of tissue? I stuffed it as quickly as I can in the trash can. There was an office worker that was on the way to the bathroom and she was startled at my sudden opening of the door. Hahaha. I'm laughing at how I must have looked. Geez, I'm a totally chicken like Shaggy and Scooby. And if someone told me to change it. I probooby would say something like what Shaggy and Scooby might say. "What's wrong with chicken? Chicken's good!" and Scooby would go "yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah."

Too bad too because I totally have a stomach ache. And I feel like I'm having a Winnie the Pooh moment. You know how Pooh just sits there oh his log and worries all the time and complains of a tummy-ache? Yeah, I feel like that right now. Like... "oh, oh, oh my tummy. My dear tummy. Oh, dear..." Hahahaha. Yeah, something like that. I am so not over my KH2 mania...I'm talking about Winnie the Pooh for heaven's sake. I dont even like Pooh.

Its still deadly cold. But Cold is way better than being all hot and sweaty--literally in a hot sense...nothing of um.. that context. Haha.

So, what did I do today.. let's see... I woke up at 6:30 in the morning against my will--nothing big, I had to go with my dad and bro to CSA to enroll.. not that I need do any enrolling.. that's in May 5 hahaha. And I still need to have something notarized...gawd, I'm so forgetful.

I'm here listening to happy birthday to me by the Bulldog Mansion...the song for the flash animation Cake Dance. It's so adorable, isn't it? I remember watching that flash animation for the first time--the Cats and Bunnies by Sambakza. That was the first one before Cake Dance. it was so adorable, I fell in love with the cat immediately. Then I watched the second one (Cake dance) and I was just so touched at the Cat's effort to keep the cake whole for Bunny. It was sooooooooo sweet. Right after that, I remember putting my status in YM as "This is how I wish love should, could and would be..." It was simple.. just being there for each other... none of that totally complicated stuff--whatever those are...whew, I just love that cat... adorable beyond all reason and sweet beyond, well, everything!!!

Speaking of cats, I had a dream about a kitten last night. Well, not just a kitten. I dreamt about my uh, future? you could say. In my dream, I knew I was married--only God and Heaven knows what or who that was, I could only remember that he was on a magazine cover. Go figure--or maybe I get the dream mixed up now. We lived in a loft and it took me all my effort to get up the straight staircase. The only really clear thing I can remember is a cat that the two of us had. His name was Setzie. I know this because he was the one thing in my dream that I was always with. I played with him and took care of him and everything. He was tiny.. He could fit on the palm of my hand. And he knew tricks...when I sang his name like "Seeeh--eehht-zee~" his ears would flick up and down alternately and would extend his paws forward...as if he was dancing. Then when I would tell him to say his name, he'd go "Seeetsee" hahaha. So cute, adorable, fantastic and weird. Hahaha

I'm having a lot of dreams about my future and my world around me...I wonder what that could all mean. I keep forgetting to write it down on my dream journal and sometimes I forget that dream until something big happens that I suddenly remember that dream. And I have this totally weird feeling...Sort of what happened with um... yeah.

hahaha. And so now I'm bored again.. what can I do now? AH! Perfect.. it's Sanctuary playing again. Awwww~ I love utada hikaru, I swear.. I love Kingdom Hearts even more!!!!

~*~

"It seems like I always fall short of being worthy because I'm not good enough, but he still loves me. I ain't no superstar, the spotlight isn't shining on me...I'm not perfect, yes, I'm not that good...because I'm not good enough...but he still loves me..."

How Funny

Its hilarious just how some people just never cease to amaze me. Hilarious in a bad way.

Unorganized...

Bother, Bother, Bother, Bother...

Yeah, bother bother bother bother...

To my barkada, that's just a pitiful sign that you're bored.. bored.. or thoroughly still amused by the Potter Puppet Pals. But, I'll use that for something else.

Why bother?

With guys, I mean. Why do we..why do I still bother with them? They're weird, silly, strange, rude, mannerless, crazy, loud, sometimes callous...No matter how sentimental, how emotional or how close you think the guy or you think the guy is to you, they're still guys... guys who will always put video games first instead of keeping up good conversation unless its with a girl they like...I guess its not Yahoo!'s fault that guys can't see a girl's emotions. While they think a smiley is nothing, the girl is already pissed off, bored or crying on the other side.

Of course...it's not always like that...I dont know. In the end.. just what is it about guys that we girls like? I mean, is that what "opposites attract" really means??? If girls are after humor, sensitivity and love, they can get that from a girl, cant they? I mean, no malice or anything, okay, its just that.. girls can give that. But why do we bother to want guys to be the one filling it that gap for us? Its one of those everlasting mysteries of life, i suppose.

But it still sucks.

I guess its still that bitter rejection talking....

I don't regret it.. I shouldn't since regretting it wont change anything, I dont want to change the fact that I told him...and...so what if he might read this too? Its not like...its not like he cares.. well, in that way i mean.

Haha. Look at that, i have no idea what i'm saying again...That's why I dont want to think anymore. Not only to I not make sense...I depress myself.

Personally...for me.. perhaps the reason I'm still longing for that love being returned is because I've never really fully experienced love.. I mean, I've been in a relationship, yes.. but I suppose now that I think about it that we werent together long enough to really show each other just how much we loved it other that it eventually just desipated. Since then, I probably long for that chance to feel it...but who knows what I'll do after that happens. As of now, shouldnt the question be.. :"will anyone love me?" and I can't answer that because... I really dont know...

Ha. I really dont know.

And.. do i love him...? Should I...? Do I want to love him..? Oh my dear Lord, I'm confused again..

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Sometimes it takes one thing, just one thing...one discreet thing... to get you to think about your whole life. Something as simple as a flower, or as grand as a sunset... it really gets your brain, your heart, and your tear glands working...

This summer has left me so bored that I've pondered on my life for, what seems to be, like the 3rd time this day alone...Anyway, if anyone's interested...here's what I've been thinking/ feeling lately.. like, a few minutes ago lately...

I was jealous today. Jealous of something that is totally stupid...well, no, not stupid...I dont know what it is really. But I was jealous. It was that...affection...I know. I knew I wanted that affection too. But then.. I wondered, why? Why was it that I sought that affection? Why was it that attracted me to it like a moth to a flame? Its not like I'm not loved enough. I think I am. I really am. So, what am I after? Why?

I feel so greedy and selfish. I, honestly, want to be contented with what I have.. why I'm still seeking for more than what I have, I don't know....

Its that..that...love. Yes love...What's with that anyway? It's so...over-rated.. yet here I am using that word. Do I still want that? I don't know anymore.. its that whole... rejection thing I'm worried about. See? That's what I'm talking about... Rejection... Rejection..well, yeah, we all know it.. .it sucks...so much to risk... and then you end up coming up with nothing in the end.. its useless? well, not totally...I mean...it leaves all these questions...awkwardness... and then sudden, sort of closure from the other person.. they'll think "oh this person likes me" and kind of just... pick the stuff they talk about with you... love builds and destroys. And, like everything else in life...it leaves you to clean up its mess...and for you to figure out what the heck that was all about...you see, i dont want to regret anything i've done...ever sinec I read tuesdays with morrie, i've pretty much avoided regretting things.

God, I dont know what i'm talking about anymore. I wish i could express my feelings as well as I describe what's in my imagination...I'll put that aside now...

I wish i could just be happy with everything i have now. I have a great life. I just wish that I could find it in myself to be contented with that and stop wanting more..................

Here's a song I want to dedicate to all those who are feeling as lost, confused and as dilemma'ed as I am....

 

Jesus Take the Wheel

by Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

The One Behind the Mask

In short: me.

Oh, we go through all these facades in our lives and we pretend to be someone else. I, admittedly, am one of those people who creates these masks that make them look like they have a perpetual smile on their faces. Actually, I've been so engrossed to keeping up the facade, that I've already forgotten just who I really am deep inside.

I guess...hmm...I guess, right off the bat, you can say that I'm not really happy. It's really bad of me to say that since I have a lot to be happy for and about. I come from a well-off family, I was born and raised well, I get good grades, I have fun friends, I've gotten a great education, I have a loving family, I have a lot of things that other kids my age don't...unfortunately, although they do make me happy, it's not really the happiness I'm looking for.

I'm thinking: karma. Maybe it's to make up for all those bad things I've done to people through the years--though, I can only really think of one or two things that have done some gravitational damage on people. Once was in the sixth grade when I turned everyone against someone I disliked at that time, and another was in the fourth grade when I turned everyone agains someone I disliked at that time. Sheesh, I'm a bad person to have done those things at such a young age.

But, really, honestly? Is that why I'm not happy? Is it really karma? Or maybe I just haven't found or earned that happiness? I guess, I'm only 17. Bleh, that's old na din, i think. I still have a lot to experience but...

me...behind the mask... who is that?

I'm sad, more often than not. When I'm alone I usually think of a lot of what ifs. I won't lie now. I won't pretend I don't think of being in another place, with other people. I won't lie that I don't think about being with someone and being happier--though not necessarily truly happy...

I suck. I'm not really happy. In fact, I'm so tired of pretending that I am. But, who wants to be friends with an ugly (but presentable), whiny, pessimistic liar? I'm just a weird, purple and harry potter-obsessed loser that obsesses over the idea of love and being loved.

And honestly? I dont know why I bother to keep this blog because I'm too lazy to keep updating it...

...I just want a hug from someone...

dance with me again.

Misconceptions

this is the article I wrote that was published in our school magazine, Insights.

Misconceptions
By: Michelle del Rosario

--And understandings…Yes, whether we admit it or not, we do have a lot of them in our lives. Perhaps we would want to think that we know everything about something or someone—but that is where we are often very wrong.

I made some misconceptions lately due to an activity I underwent very recently.

I am a graduate of the recently held ACP Open Encampment, last March 18-19. That may not be much of a big deal to most of those who are reading this at the moment, but it is to me.

You see I have never really been fond of ACP. No, wait. That’s a big understatement. I mean to say I really, really hated ACP. In my belief, it was pointless. Not only was it the cause of my weekly fatigue and headache, my sunburn, my darker—no, not tan—skin, and my dread for Thursdays, but I don’t ever plan to use it in my life. Ever. So, you can understand why I think it is still a complete mystery as to what exactly came over me to sign up for Open Encampment. I told myself it was for the experience that everyone was saying it offered, but knew that I really didn’t know what I signed up for.

As the day grew nearer I felt more nervous about running with our backpacks, doing punishments and possibly being inspected with facts that I did not remember or know. I had a mixture of dread and excitement as it was coming ever so closer. I admit; I had second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts about continuing to join or getting my money back. I told myself I could do it; and so, when the day finally came, I was confident about surviving the two days.

However, even at the very beginning of the camp, I was the first casualty and the first customer of the medic station. I couldn’t do the physical punishments. I told myself that I could probably do punishments later on, but I realized that I couldn’t. That, however, didn’t stop me from trying to really find out what I came to the camp for. As the activities went on and on, I went through them one by one until I finally found myself holding a certificate and three badges, showing the success I and my flight achieved over the course of the encampment.

But that wasn’t all that I walked away from camp with.

I can tell you this much now: I had fun. Regardless of how much my body hurts, I still enjoyed the time I spent with everyone that joined. Not only did I learn more about drills, procedure and stuff like that, but I also learned something more important. I realized my limitations and my capabilities during the course of it all. Meeting new people and experiencing new things really taught me that I can do things myself; and that I shouldn’t be afraid. I was fortunate enough to meet people I got along with and felt comfortable with even if we’ve all only met recently. I now really understand the value of teamwork and unity—that it helps you get to places you can’t reach on your own. I learned the value of trust, that at those times when you can’t see, you have to put trust on the people who can and learn to use your judgement to know which words are true or false. I learned to be alert of things both seen and unseen; that I should prepare myself for what might come and even for what might not. I learned about duty and responsibility and that it really is something inevitable and something you have to uphold. I learned to be confident and to give my best in the actions that I do and the things I have to achieve but to know my limitations and not to push myself too hard. And I, lastly, learned that amidst all the trials and tribulations of life, there is always room for fun, happiness, and enjoyment—that not everything can be fun and not everything has to be serious. All that in a day and a half—phew.

Yeah, I guess it’s fair to say that I was wrong about ACP and what it entails. What I once thought was stupid and pointless really had a lot of meaning and depth into it. I thought it once to be something not worth my time and effort; that I often wondered just what the officers and the CO’s liked about it so much.  But now I know and if I had know it back then, I would have probably pursued being an officer as well.

Even if my body now aches, what I learned was more important and worth the trouble.

It’s the same with a lot of other experiences in our lives. Some say that they hate their lives and regret doing a lot of things they did once. Some judge those experiences too quickly and try to avoid them in order to escape the pain it might cause—without really understanding and really going through that experience fully. Some close themselves up in shells to protect themselves without knowing that the only way to really build defenses against bad experiences is to go through them directly.

I’m scared of leaving high school. I don’t want to leave the comfort and the safety it makes me feel. To now be considered a college student is something big. College has a lot of factors that I don’t feel or am too sure about—and that’s why, at first, I was really scared to leave. But, after all that I’ve learned, I figured that I neither have a choice nor a way to escape the inevitable. That, in the same way, growing up and becoming an adult is inevitable too. I don’t really want to leave school yet, but I have to learn to be strong and prepare myself for what is to come next. I don’t want to have the same misconceptions about college as did about ACP.  I don’t want to imbed in my mind that it is hard or that I can’t go through it. I want to be able to accept the fact that it’s there and it is something I can’t escape. Once I can do that, I can be able to prepare myself better for it so that, in the end, I can really learn something from it. I want all my experiences in life to be—if not easy or simple—a lesson learned each time I go through something new. I want to be brave.

So, I guess I just wanted to say that no one should judge things too quickly—especially if you’re just hearing second-hand information. We should go through things as they come and be able to learn and adapt to them. Nothing in life is ever pointless. Everything and everyone has a reason for being who or what they are, and that should shouldn’t base everything from just a first or second impression.

Perhaps I will no longer have another chance to have a bravery test in ACP, but there are more important things to face than ghosts from my over-active imagination—there are more things to clarify in life than to clarify the existence or the presence of a ghost or spirit. There’s just way too much to live through and for.

And I’m not going to live my life based on misconceptions.

*I loved, love and always will love my beloved Alma Mater. And even if I’m moving on to bigger things, those will never be more important than my home…here: in CSA.