we're like fire and ice, you see!!!
Wednesday, 28 June 2006
Friday, 23 June 2006
No One There
A lost love is somehow a love gained, they say, for the more you lose the closer you are to meeting the person destined for you; somehow you'll lose enough to find yourself in the arms of the one who has waited for you all this time....
Or, is this only how we'd like to think of it?
What if we've taken all this time losing love and never find "him"?
What if we end up just destroying part of our selves and never even meeting "him"?
What if by the time we reach the place we're supposed to finally see "him", there's no one there?
What if there is no "him"?
What if there's no one?
What if there's no one waiting anywhere for you?
Could it be that you were meant to live the life you life as you are...alone?
A lot of people say cliche's like "many fish in the sea" or "there's someone out there for you" or "he's waiting for you". What if all of those saying are just some ploy to make you feel better and build up your hope? How do they really know if someone's out there in the world waiting for you to meet them anyway? Could it be that all those comforting words were doubling as excuses just to make ourselves feel better over the loss or the pain of a love lost or never attained?
I, myself, really don't want to think so. With all my heart, I do wish there's someone out there meant for me who can relieve me of all this ache in my heart; someone who can make me smile as much as I ever can; someone who will make me feel that sort of happiness you can rarely find or feel from just anyone. Someone to love me...
But, let's look at it, shall we? What if I journey through life, so confident and hopeful or someone there in the future, somewhere with me and then finally reach the destination, only to see an empty space, enough to accomodate only one? Then what? Despite what we'd like to believe or think, the destiny we hope we'd share with another human being, would be shared just with yourself...or your dog.
I mean, is there really someone out there in the world who would be willing to wait for us that long? Even if they've never met us...ever?
Perhaps.
Maybe.
I hope.
Maybe not.
But like all things hypothetical, unreachable and passed, I suppose that it's only right to let those thoughts go...just like other things worth letting go of, perhaps....
Maybe making us feel better by telling ourselves that there is someone out there waiting for us is somewhat close to living a fantasy. By living and hoping in the fantasy, we might build ourselves up for a great contentment or utter disappointment--something we can never determine. If it turns out that it is disappointment, then perhaps it is time to let go of that fantasy. If someone doesnt feel comfortable with letting go after trying just once, then try another time...or a few more times. Until you get the feel of what you think you're up against.
It would be ironic though if somehow, someway, living the life i live alone is my destiny. What, with the billions of people in this world, people would think there's someone out there, right? IF there isn't then........
As for me, I've told and given my self many chances to feel and make sure of where I stand and how I feel. There are so many things I've learned over the years in checking and checking. I think it's about time I made my move. Which would be....?
Acceptance.
When you accept that there's something you want that you can't have, it makes it easier for you to let go. You know that it can't happen so you stop thinking about it and worrying about it all the time and find time to move forward in your life. When there really are circumstances you can't battle and can't change, it's best for everyone involved, especially yourself, if the thought or fantasy is just set free.
To watch something or someone you want or love walk, run or fly away it's definitely sad. To let go of someone always is letting go of a part of youself as well, and wherever or whatever part you've lost, you try to move on in your life to fill that hole/ gap. It's a daunting task and most people do not dare letting go because both letting go and refilling the gap is very, very hard (no number of "very"s will ever be able to capture just how hard) to do.
I guess the idea itself isn't very hard to explain...its executing it that's difficult. Easier said than done, I suppose--another cliche. The worst thing in the entire process is withdrawal...when you suddenly, somehow, out of no where, start to fall back and return to your original state---something no one wants to happen!
I suppose there's just no way to explain how to overcome withdrawal....
But back to waiting...
Someday, somewhere, someone will still be there waiting for me--or I'd wait for him. NO matter how horrible my experience in waiting already is...I suppose I'm willing to make that sacrifice to know if there really someone out there.
It can be weeks, months, years or, heck, maybe even decades for me to find that person. But I know, I just know that, in the end, the discovery would surely, surely, be worth it. When I find him......heh. All this would have been worth it...
No matter how difficult the road may be.......
But first thing's first....
Or, is this only how we'd like to think of it?
What if we've taken all this time losing love and never find "him"?
What if we end up just destroying part of our selves and never even meeting "him"?
What if by the time we reach the place we're supposed to finally see "him", there's no one there?
What if there is no "him"?
What if there's no one?
What if there's no one waiting anywhere for you?
Could it be that you were meant to live the life you life as you are...alone?
A lot of people say cliche's like "many fish in the sea" or "there's someone out there for you" or "he's waiting for you". What if all of those saying are just some ploy to make you feel better and build up your hope? How do they really know if someone's out there in the world waiting for you to meet them anyway? Could it be that all those comforting words were doubling as excuses just to make ourselves feel better over the loss or the pain of a love lost or never attained?
I, myself, really don't want to think so. With all my heart, I do wish there's someone out there meant for me who can relieve me of all this ache in my heart; someone who can make me smile as much as I ever can; someone who will make me feel that sort of happiness you can rarely find or feel from just anyone. Someone to love me...
But, let's look at it, shall we? What if I journey through life, so confident and hopeful or someone there in the future, somewhere with me and then finally reach the destination, only to see an empty space, enough to accomodate only one? Then what? Despite what we'd like to believe or think, the destiny we hope we'd share with another human being, would be shared just with yourself...or your dog.
I mean, is there really someone out there in the world who would be willing to wait for us that long? Even if they've never met us...ever?
Perhaps.
Maybe.
I hope.
Maybe not.
But like all things hypothetical, unreachable and passed, I suppose that it's only right to let those thoughts go...just like other things worth letting go of, perhaps....
Maybe making us feel better by telling ourselves that there is someone out there waiting for us is somewhat close to living a fantasy. By living and hoping in the fantasy, we might build ourselves up for a great contentment or utter disappointment--something we can never determine. If it turns out that it is disappointment, then perhaps it is time to let go of that fantasy. If someone doesnt feel comfortable with letting go after trying just once, then try another time...or a few more times. Until you get the feel of what you think you're up against.
It would be ironic though if somehow, someway, living the life i live alone is my destiny. What, with the billions of people in this world, people would think there's someone out there, right? IF there isn't then........
As for me, I've told and given my self many chances to feel and make sure of where I stand and how I feel. There are so many things I've learned over the years in checking and checking. I think it's about time I made my move. Which would be....?
Acceptance.
When you accept that there's something you want that you can't have, it makes it easier for you to let go. You know that it can't happen so you stop thinking about it and worrying about it all the time and find time to move forward in your life. When there really are circumstances you can't battle and can't change, it's best for everyone involved, especially yourself, if the thought or fantasy is just set free.
To watch something or someone you want or love walk, run or fly away it's definitely sad. To let go of someone always is letting go of a part of youself as well, and wherever or whatever part you've lost, you try to move on in your life to fill that hole/ gap. It's a daunting task and most people do not dare letting go because both letting go and refilling the gap is very, very hard (no number of "very"s will ever be able to capture just how hard) to do.
I guess the idea itself isn't very hard to explain...its executing it that's difficult. Easier said than done, I suppose--another cliche. The worst thing in the entire process is withdrawal...when you suddenly, somehow, out of no where, start to fall back and return to your original state---something no one wants to happen!
I suppose there's just no way to explain how to overcome withdrawal....
But back to waiting...
Someday, somewhere, someone will still be there waiting for me--or I'd wait for him. NO matter how horrible my experience in waiting already is...I suppose I'm willing to make that sacrifice to know if there really someone out there.
It can be weeks, months, years or, heck, maybe even decades for me to find that person. But I know, I just know that, in the end, the discovery would surely, surely, be worth it. When I find him......heh. All this would have been worth it...
No matter how difficult the road may be.......
But first thing's first....
"Let me let you go"
("The Lake House", 2006).
("The Lake House", 2006).
Saturday, 10 June 2006
Friday, 9 June 2006
Some Hearts
"Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes"
-Some Hearts, Carrie Underwood
You know its true. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I hear in school nowadays "ay ang cute talaga nila. Nakakainggit." I heard it from a bunch of upperclassmen as I was walking to the amphitheater today. Well, I thought that we've all, to some extent (and this applies to only the single ones out there) that we are semi-jealous at couples that we see. Some times we seem uncomfortable; whether they are just standing, sitting, walking around; watching a movie, HHWW(WS) haha, its kind of well...nakakapanghinayang.. because, well. We arent like that (in a couple/relationship). Aww, in a way, but I guess that's life and I guess that depends on the person.
Other than that, we danced today! Woo! Won 3rd place and some other things, so cool! hahhaa. I'm just glad that my new friends are so, well, friendly! I feel like we've been a group/ in school for years now! hehehe. That's just me. We bonded in Mcdo today witho our very interesting stories of love. nyak. Joke. hehehehe~ well, anyway, that's that. :P Sleepy.. too lazy to make sure it makes sense. Night!!!!!
Other than that, we danced today! Woo! Won 3rd place and some other things, so cool! hahhaa. I'm just glad that my new friends are so, well, friendly! I feel like we've been a group/ in school for years now! hehehe. That's just me. We bonded in Mcdo today witho our very interesting stories of love. nyak. Joke. hehehehe~ well, anyway, that's that. :P Sleepy.. too lazy to make sure it makes sense. Night!!!!!
Thursday, 8 June 2006
June7. Past into the Present
me, maebs, jayanne and bianca!
my group in Anthrop. We all got to wear our uniforms again! who would have thought! haha! We love Highschool!!!!
Monday, 5 June 2006
I Love Her
I don't expect anyone else to remember. As it is a memory of mine, I can't imagine anyone else remembering this moment. I was riding home when I remembered this. It was a memory long buried in the depths of my mind and my past. But I stared out the window, looked at my cellphone and remembered what type of car I was in, and it all came back to me.
I guess it wouldn't make much sense to recall it. Hmm.. but I guess I will.. vaguely.
It was a few years back. I was at the park with my cousins. ...I guess during that period in my life.. they were like my barkada.. since only they knew what was going on. They were playing a trick on someone, by pretending to have stolen my phone and stuff. They were "bad mouthing" me, supposidly from behind my back. And they were angering the person I was texting until a reply came that made all of my cousins shout all goose-bumpy.
All anyone would need to know that that moment of spontaneousness really made me happy. It was some sort of proof that it wasn't just a play of words but it was real. I remember keeping that... it was a message you see, a message that I never deleted from my old phone...
"I LOVE HER"
I wonder when I'll ever see or hear those words ever again....(for a moment there, I'd forgotten if I've ever heard it..)...but remembering that moment today.. that moment I was really happy...
I remember looking at my phone before every day...at that message and it lifted any bad thoughts from my head. Heh...those were great.. happy...really happy times...
A bittersweet memory... that will forever remain... just that.
I guess it wouldn't make much sense to recall it. Hmm.. but I guess I will.. vaguely.
It was a few years back. I was at the park with my cousins. ...I guess during that period in my life.. they were like my barkada.. since only they knew what was going on. They were playing a trick on someone, by pretending to have stolen my phone and stuff. They were "bad mouthing" me, supposidly from behind my back. And they were angering the person I was texting until a reply came that made all of my cousins shout all goose-bumpy.
All anyone would need to know that that moment of spontaneousness really made me happy. It was some sort of proof that it wasn't just a play of words but it was real. I remember keeping that... it was a message you see, a message that I never deleted from my old phone...
"I LOVE HER"
I wonder when I'll ever see or hear those words ever again....(for a moment there, I'd forgotten if I've ever heard it..)...but remembering that moment today.. that moment I was really happy...
I remember looking at my phone before every day...at that message and it lifted any bad thoughts from my head. Heh...those were great.. happy...really happy times...
A bittersweet memory... that will forever remain... just that.
Sunday, 4 June 2006
A Plea for Deliverance
Does that need much explanation? I went to church today as I always do. I was a bit late--well, no not really...we just couldn't find an ideal seat, but we sat, nevertheless. So anyway...the entire time I was there...well, today was pentecost and the church was all dolled up in red and everything...
My dad, brother and I sat in the choir stands, right next to the newly reconstructed/repainted statue of Mama Mary. The entire time, I was looking at her. She, or the statue at the very least, was very pretty. I don't know. Whatever it was that captivated me to just stare at Mama Mary...She seemed so serene. For someone who, I guess at the time jesus died was...oh... 40+ years old... (wasn't she about fifteen when the angel came to her?)...she looked young. I wondered if I'd ever live a life anywhere as significant or as important as hers.. Well, doi, I suppose not, but I have my purpose. Someday I'll find out just what that purpose is and I'll deliver to the best of my ability. I just hope it won't involve going into the convent. I remember so many years ago when I was convinced that was my destination. Why did that view of mine change? I can't seem to remember, but I know that I used to be so worried that that was where I'd end up. I still hope that I don't end up there. I want to be able to do something good without ever going in there...
Instead, while looking at her, I just prayed that I'll be able to get over all of this. You know, its so hard not knowing what the next step will be. I know I've been optimistic all this while and its good, but I suppose that I never tried looking at where I should be headed next. I prayed for guidance, for some sort of light to the right direction--the direction where my deliverance might be. it's kind of dramatic, I know, but when has my life not been? Well, my teenage life anyway. So, there. I just prayed. A lot. I apologized too for only trully praying 100000% when I really want something, but I promised that this more important than anything I've ever prayed for in the past. So, I prayed for my mum--firstly--and then my family...then myself.
I used to pray for one other thing, but guess what? that prayer was already answered. That prayer...it wasn't for me.. not at all. But I prayed for that anyway. And now, it was answered. It's good... it's really good. So, in effect, I ceased praying for that...
So now, that's my bedtime prayer... I hope, like the last one prayer of mine.. it is answered.
My dad, brother and I sat in the choir stands, right next to the newly reconstructed/repainted statue of Mama Mary. The entire time, I was looking at her. She, or the statue at the very least, was very pretty. I don't know. Whatever it was that captivated me to just stare at Mama Mary...She seemed so serene. For someone who, I guess at the time jesus died was...oh... 40+ years old... (wasn't she about fifteen when the angel came to her?)...she looked young. I wondered if I'd ever live a life anywhere as significant or as important as hers.. Well, doi, I suppose not, but I have my purpose. Someday I'll find out just what that purpose is and I'll deliver to the best of my ability. I just hope it won't involve going into the convent. I remember so many years ago when I was convinced that was my destination. Why did that view of mine change? I can't seem to remember, but I know that I used to be so worried that that was where I'd end up. I still hope that I don't end up there. I want to be able to do something good without ever going in there...
Instead, while looking at her, I just prayed that I'll be able to get over all of this. You know, its so hard not knowing what the next step will be. I know I've been optimistic all this while and its good, but I suppose that I never tried looking at where I should be headed next. I prayed for guidance, for some sort of light to the right direction--the direction where my deliverance might be. it's kind of dramatic, I know, but when has my life not been? Well, my teenage life anyway. So, there. I just prayed. A lot. I apologized too for only trully praying 100000% when I really want something, but I promised that this more important than anything I've ever prayed for in the past. So, I prayed for my mum--firstly--and then my family...then myself.
I used to pray for one other thing, but guess what? that prayer was already answered. That prayer...it wasn't for me.. not at all. But I prayed for that anyway. And now, it was answered. It's good... it's really good. So, in effect, I ceased praying for that...
So now, that's my bedtime prayer... I hope, like the last one prayer of mine.. it is answered.
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