The One About the Nerves

00:08:26:14

This is what came out when I timed myself for my informative speech on Friday. This is crazy, how am I supposed to inform people about something with such a time constraint! I think it's a good thing I didn't go with global warming, I would have died. I'm afraid of my speech being pointless. This always happens to me, you know.

In second year I remember making a silly speech about memories. While all my other classmates addressed the batch as valedictorians, experts in their field or career and making toasts and celebration speeches, I made, what? A silly tirade and rant on how memories are supposed to be important and treasured. Bad, bad topic. It held no significance.

And now I think history is going to repeat itself. Maybe I picked another ugly topic and no one is going to listen! Wah!

Nope, no, I musn't think that way. My dad always says that if you want good things to come to you, you have to think and believe that they will come to you--along with conscious effort to get that thing! (Ironically, Ice made a speech about that today: Law of Attraction; but my dad has been saying it to me for months!) I must be positive, if all else fails, I will be watching Night at the Museum after that anyway, so I could used the laughtrip. Anyone care to join me? haha!

OUCH! I just...haaay, I hit my knee on the sharp edge of my desk. This day is just so... gah.

The only thing good so far that's happened is that the weather has been kind to me and that I've become more disciplined in my daily routine. I'm scared a bit that I'm slowly slipping from my anti-procrastination itch. It's so sad that it might go away already and so soon! I loved being able to know everything about something and not worrying about the next thing to do. This speech has gotten me wonky all over.

And now I'm sleepy. I say stupid things when I'm sleepy and type random words. I'm just sorry if anyone reads this with errors and stupidity in them. I cannot, also, be grammar conscious when I am sleepy.

..did I already mention the weather?

Okay, i did. damn, i want a hug :(

And Single Awareness Day  is fast approaching. What should I give to myself? hmmm.....

I now bid you good night as i dismiss my thoughts of the speech for tonight.

Good night. I'll come up with a more substantial blog in due time.

The One about the Emo-ness

I'm minding my own business. Sitting quietly in the passenger seat of the car while my dad and I were on the way home when Regine Velasquez comes blaring her voice from the speakers. The song, not the singer, brought me to Emo-ness in an instant; and I, for the most part, have no idea why.

And then I go online. I see pictures in an album of a friend. And, boy, am I sad. No, it's not the fact that I was never invited to one of those things.. Well, maybe. I guess there was just something I missed when I left (you all have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't really care. haha). There was more of a bond.. a bond I had missed. I guess some part of me wanted to be part of that. For a long time, I had tried convincing myself that I was alright and happier where I was then, but I guess I was only fooling myself. Because even there, I didn't belong. There was just something about what I had left that made me cling to it and want to be brought along with it... I guess I was never really a part of that; and now, I never will be.

What else will I never be part of? What else will I not be close to?

...I totally don't know or understand what suddenly happened, what suddenly changed. I held on to the promise and notion that we'd stay the way we normally are. But no matter how much I say to myself and no matter how much you deny it, something is really off. Is it just a coincidence that I haven't seen you at all? Is it meant to be that we are NOT to meet? I just thought of how funny we both are, and somehow amazing that we haven't ever stayed in each other's company for more than a year now. The cellphones saved our friendship that I'm sure would have wilted away had they not existed. It amazed me that we still, somehow, got close even if I could never really measure to the amount of time you spend and have spent with other people. Comparatively, I seem to be nothing to you.  A small piece of your life. Maybe. I hope not.

I, however, cannot say the same about you. It goes without saying why. What I can't take is the fact that I will perhaps not be anything more to you. Truthfully, I hadn't wished for me to want more or more in the first place. I was perfectly happy with the arrangement we "had" before. You and I as friends. Period. But you can probably understand how things change in the most inconvenient of times. Suddenly, even if you don't feel it, you're gone. Just how you and I were barren and gone when we had not talked for a long time. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if we weren't as
"close" as we are now. But we are, somehow. You said it yourself. I have proof. I prayed as much as I can that this wouldn't happen, that I wouldn't be feeling this way, but somehow it has happened just as I feared and you are no where in sight to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong and that nothing has changed between us.

Before, it did not bother me that it was I who began all our conversations, initiated the ice breakers and did all that. All you had to do was reply and I was more than happy to receive your answer. Now, unfortunately, it does bother me. Do you even want to talk to me? Really? I'm so confused. You never answered me.

It's driving me crazy that I can't talk to you as I could before. That now I can't find a way or even an excuse to get close to you. I am losing my mind. I'm screaming out to you now...

What happens next is up to you. I let you have that power. I believe I've taken control long enough. I now want to see what YOU want to happen. If anything will EVER happen...

Tell me, what happens to us now? Was it a Yes? or a No?

Please, tell me... for my sanity's sake.

The One about the Epiphany

January 10th, 2007. Tis the third day of the new term. Alex and I are counting down until summer vacation.

85 more days. Mabilis lang yan, kala mo? haha.

Today was a short day because my dismissal was 12:40pm. However, even if the day is short, I still did a lot. This is due to my four classes in a row from 8:10-12:40pm. This is good, still, though because I've realized something...

This entry is actually somewhat ironic. It is because in HumaLit we were talking about Epiphanies. And here I am, a few hours later, actually having one. There are a few, actually and one among them is that for some strange cosmic reason that is greater than myself, I am itching to study. I know this has happened in variations a few times over High School. New quarter, new topics, new slate so I always start so on the top of my game. Same goes for every new school year. But in High School, after a while, that enthusiasm goes away. It takes only about a week or so for me to realize that it's not all that exciting and not all that easy to be always trying your best. I wondered before how on earth I was able to manage such amazing grades in freshman year. But now, its different. I've been itching to take notes, lecture, recite, do projects when the first day began. And when we finally started a lecture this morning in Inpsyco, my hand went nuts scribbling down notes, even with the assurance of Summaries by Sir Ron. I don't know. It's sort of different. Perhaps because it's college and that these subjects wont last me that long. After 85 days, it will be a whole new set of subjects (not just topics) entirely. That's different from high school. Physics does get tiring after 10 months, but how many times in a lifetime do you get to study Speech, Badminton, Literature and Psychology in a lifetime? In my course? Rare. And unlike Intglos, Chem and Inthrop from before, these subjects i'm taking now are WAY into my interest zones. And like I had written down as my Positive in Filkomu (is this another coincidence?), when I am given something that interests me, I am IN. As IN. IN. So, you know, I just realized that this may be my chance to really get high grades because they are subjects I love. It's just got to garner me a high grade, you know? I mean, for the first time in a LONG time, I'm actually NOT procrastinating. Is this too good to be true? My gosh!

Another epiphany: I miss Phoebe and Raech!! We have 2 subjects together. Two. JUST TWO. And this is sad because Phoebe is the comic of the group and there are never any silences with Phoebe, now there are some. Haha. Raech, well, its obvious why I miss Raech (wushu, flattered ka naman dyan, Lemur!) because I'm with her all the time! It's a flashback waiting to happen. But yun, we arent complete most of the time any more. But despite that, there are still good things this term. I get to be classmates with a whole bunch of other people! NO, i dont mean the totally random people that we are now thrown in with, I'm talking about CSA loves! hahaha. I get to be classmates with Ice, Enzo, Marc.. MIDI and MICAH!!! See, they're all people I havent been classmates with in SO LONG. With me, Midi and Micah, its been 6 years! Hoohah! :) I'm so happy because I can still enjoy my classes somehow even if Raech and Phoebe arent there... :( (deserters!! haha!) I just feel that somehow, even if it's only been 8 months, (only?!?!?! haha!) I've gotten so used to having them around that it just feels totally weird without them! What more if ever Alex, Kat, Siobe and I get separated!?! I can't bare it! haha. I've gotten through so much of college so far with them. I'm eternally grateful, actually! I'm like Kat! Eternally grateful! I have so many great friends. I love them!

Last epiphany. I'm not exactly sure how to explain this or even to verbalize it. It's just so weird to be talking about it openly...wait. No, I can't. It'll have to be somewhat vague. Anyway, I realized today that there was something empty. And I had told myself that it was the absence of Raech and Phoebe but its the absence of someone else as well. It's been weird. For some reason I now find myself getting tongue-tied and strange. I wonder if the thought ever comes in his mind or if he's ever thought of it at all. It's like, somehow, nothing even happened. I'm not exactly sure if that's what I had bargained for. But I guess, its better than nothing and having the worst-case scenario happening. This is bothering me most of all. I can't help but think sometimes if I ruined it. If it's my fault or he's doing something that I can't know or don't know. Its hard especially with us all being busy again. I'm thinking if I'll still be able to restore whatever it is that I had touched or moved or broken. its mushy, but I read through my old diary and I think its safe to say that no one has ever made me so happy ever (that I was able to record, anyway). Its such a loss to lose something with something between you two that you cant even state or begin to describe, exists or not... hehe... its just so confusing for me. I wish that it could be talked about but it doesnt seem likely. the Epiphany? I don't wanna lose that person because it seems that I might.

BOOKLIST UPDATE:

As of January 6, 2007:

1. Coversations with the Fat Girl - Liza Palmer
2. If You Could See Me Now - Cecilia Ahern
3. Midnight Pearls: A Retelling of "The Little Mermaid" -  Debbie Viguie
4. Snow: A Retelling of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" - Tracy Lynn
5. Jonthan Strange and Mr. Norrell - Susanna Clarke\

Done. Next Book: The Supernatualist by Eilon Colfer

The One about the BookList

A sticky entry. When I say sticky, meaning I'll be posting this same post in every other post I make in the future. I hope I remember to make it sticky.. there used to tbe a css code for it but I forgot.

Anyway, I came to a decision recently to start collecting books and I plan to keep buying books until the end of next year... My goal: collect 50. If I can exceed, good... books cost money and space you know. Not to mention time to actually read it.. so.. here goes.. i'll update this as I go along. Game...

As of January 6, 2007:

1. Coversations with the Fat Girl - Liza Palmer
2. If You Could See Me Now - Cecilia Ahern
3. Midnight Pearls: A Retelling of "The Little Mermaid" -  Debbie Viguie
4. Snow: A Retelling of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" - Tracy Lynn
5. Jonthan Strange and Mr. Norrell - Susanna Clarke\

Done. Next Book: The Supernatualist by Eilon Colfer

Maan's Debut 12-22-06

I liked this debut. Our 1 and only Ad Libitum Debut.. di completo!!!! darn!!!! but still, we had a pictorial.. and THAT i LOVED.

we love MAAN! have fun being old! hahaa

The One about My Tummy Ache

My second entry for 2007, but the first official blog entry.

Okay, if I narrated how my entire Christmas and New Year's vacation went, I'd be at thise all day, but see, that isn't what this entry is about. It's about me and my tummy ache. hehe.

January...damn, what date is it... oh, there it is, nasa baba lang pala.. January 3 2007... wahee, the first non-productive day of the year. January one, as expected held a lot of celebration. I was with both my mother side and father side.. from tagaytay to acropolis.. whew. what a day... I only got to sleep in the car. I developed rashes because of the early morning drinks (woohoo) and I got so tired that I woke up at 10am the next day. Then I could only eat a bit of lunch and the had to get ready to commute. Wah. First commuting day of the year. I didn't expect that to happen. Anyway, so I went to Glorietta with my brother and met up with my cousins again. Haha. Di pa kami nagsasawa kahit na 4 na araw na kaming nagkikita... that's a lot na din if you think about it because we hardly see each other during the year. Anyway, EGG and food. hahaha. No one taught be DOTA hhahahaha. We ate Dairy Queen.. boo the snowstorm people wahahaha. They don't have my caramel brownie blizzard XP hehe... something in glorietta surprised me din eh. Guess what it was? :P then, then...oh, this morning I woke up because my brother had school na. Boo. haha. And.. and... i drew something again... printed on a shirt.. ran out of masking tape...aaaannd... i ate a hard boiled egg... that's all I've eaten today.. which brings me to my tummy ache. Literally, it feels as if my stomach is eating myself. whoo. hahahah... I will eat.. later na.. haha. I don't wanna eat alone x3

Anyhoo.. my first blog entry is so full of depth noh? Can you believe it? this is coming from the fact that I slept from 12noon to 5pm... so non-productive. haha.. Anyway, new years resolution time? hehehe.. small list.. maybe...

1. make new guy friends (bah. i'm collecting? XD)
2. watch a filipino movie. (i dont know why)
3. consentrate on studies (i strayed away last term..)
4. be more productive art-wise
5. read a total of 50 books (i started this resolution december pa.. so counting that... 3 books down na)
6. grow my hair to its maximum length in 3rd year (you should have seen it.. it was LONG)
7. buy new DLSU jogging pants (wahahah. resolution yan. i put if off for 2 terms XD)
8. maintain what's left of my friendship with eh... someone.
9. grow taller (5"6 WHEE. asa.)


okay, now i really have to eat. My stomach's eating itself. i think people call this ulcer XD

The One with the Survey

i got this from Oli :D i'm bored...

Name 3 schools you went to:
*Child Learning Center (nursery)
*Colegio San Agustin (kinder to HS4)
*De La Salle University-Manila (2 terms down, 14 to go)

Name 3 things that are always in your
purse/backpack:
*wallet
*cellphone
*brush

Name 3 things you do when you're
really stressed?
*throw a tantrum by myself
*rant to other people
*stay silent (this is when you know that i've already crashed)

Name 3 things that you want right now:
(they arent things eh...i'm not a material girl)...
*my cousins
*my mummy
*my penguin.. ;)

Name 3 places you go on a daily basis:
*bathroom
*house
*lasalle

Name 3 favorite fruits:
*mango
*peach
*banana

Three names you go by?
*Michelle (by most CSA friends and family)
*Mishie (to DLSU friends and HS barkada)
*Mich (Loanzon cousins)

Three of your favorite food:
*crispy pata (very rarely eaten at home *sad*)
*mechado (rare-er than crispy pata)
*caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen (*homer voice* Mmmm, Caramel...)

Three things you are wearing right now:
*ACP shirt
*Pink panther shorts from Raisa's debut
*havaianas dragon slippers

| T | h | e | W | h | o | s |

Who is in the house with you?
*my dad
*my bro
*our helpers (Evelyn and Diding)
*our helper's son
*our doggies: Cody and Choco

Who did you get this survey from?
*from my cousin Oli. I needed a break...

Who are you thinking about right now?
*a lot. My barkada's planning a get-together... my cousins wanna come...i miss my mum.. aaaandd.. teh Christmas penguin

Whos house did you last go to?
*tito Fred's house in Acropolis :D

Who do you sit next to in your 5th
period class?
*i dont have classes now.. new term.. pero last term... on MWF, its...no one.. 4 periods lang kami eh.

Whose birthday is next?
*my cousins Lizzie and Ryan. But belated na din to my cousin Omar and to my friends Maan, Kole and Jay. :)

Who was the last person you told you
loved?
*Loanzon cousins and my barkada know the answer to that one.

Who do you wish you were with right
now?
*haha.. it would be so awkward....

Who gets on your nerves the most at
school?
*bah. anyone can tell you that.


| T | h | e | W | h | e | r | e | s |

Where do you live?
*bah. don't stalk me.

Where is your phone?
*here beside me.. on top of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.. i'm re-reading it..

Where do you sleep?
*in my room most days... in my parents room when the weather's colder...

Where did you get the shirt you're
wearing?
*from school.. its ACP

Where is the last place you took a
ride to?
*from Glorietta to my house just a while ago

Where in your house are you?
*in my room.

| T | h | e | W | h | a | t | s |

What was the last thing you ate?
*caramel and brownie blizzard!!!!!

What color shirt are you wearing?
*white :P

What is the closest item near you that
is blue?
*my hairy purple brush haha

What do you like best about school?
*the feeling of independence for myself...

What is your favorite color?
*haha. anyone that knows me can answer that. purple.

What do you wear more; skirts or pants?
*pants...the world isnt ready for me and my skirts

What is the last movie you watched?
*Happy Feet... althought I watched Troy on Cinemax yesterday morning.

What song did you currently hear?
*the background song in David's multiply. Don't know the title.. but there's a song stuck in my mind.. Ewan by Imago/APO hahaha

| T | h | e | W | h | e | n | s |

When did you start school?
*3 in nursery.. 4 in kinder

When did you meet your best friend?
*depends.. i have a lot of best friends... let's se...guess who:
*best Friend #1: grade 5. she was my busmate and my neighbor who left me here in the Philippines. boo. hehe
*best friend #2: grade 6. played tag with back then and got close a year later and closer in 2nd year.
*best friend #3: met in grade 4, befriended in 1st year. Bites.
*best friend #4: when I was conceived and born. :D

When is your birthday?
*november 19, 1988... i almost typed 2006 XD

When did you last go to the mall?
*just kanina with my cousins. :D

When was the last time you bought a
pair of pants?
*in divisoria in june. gosh. but new pants, i didnt buy them.. my mom did. hehe

When did you last burn a candle?
*Maan's Debut.. december 22.. wax all over the floor. i was a candle :P

What did you last do at school?
*got my course cards

When did you last see your mom?
*september 19, 2004 at around 10pm. O, laban ka?