The One About the Waiting

I was sitting quietly, minding my own business in La Casita today. We decided to go down there because my friends wanted to eat. It was raining outside so we decided to stay in. We were supposed to be studying for a test... But i had already done my studying and decided to lay back. I closed my eyes and suddenly all i could think of was what i had been avoiding to think about for two days...

Kelan bang makikita ng iyong mga mata

Kelan bang maririnig sayo na tayo na...

I am so confused. We've been talking all this time and yet he still cannot see. If he could, he's not budging.. he's still rock. All his words were so close, it was like he already knew, and yet after he strays away as if he really didnt know.. Maybe he didn't... It was driving me insane to know that what i once found simple happiness and joy in, I now couldn't take just as it was. All his words led me astray. His words implied that he wanted something, although he would never say what...He confuses me with his words. His words say one thing, and seemingly imply something else and his actions speak differently.


Huwag mo akong sisihin kung ang lungkot ng aking damdamin

Bakit di mo akong subukan suyuin…suyuin

If he did feel anything for me... wouldn't he just say it? But he doesn't even really know does he?

Naghihintay, kahit parang wala pag - asa

Handa, maghintay kahit pa may’ron kang iba

Bahala na,

Naghihintay ako na ika’y makasama

Kahit na, naghihintay

Kahit parang wala na

I guess it doesnt matter if I can't really have him or even if he really has someone else in mind despite his denials. It shouldn't matter if he likes me back or not. The point is that I know how I feel about him and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is what I feel. I know that I feel it. It doesn't even matter to me so much whether he knows or not... but this is all I know for sure. I know that I feel this much for him.

But still....

Bakit ba di mo buksan ang iyong mga mata

Nang ang oras natin ay di na masayang pa

if he really does feel anything for me... even if its against his priorities in life.. I wish he would just say them, or else show a sign that I am just being hopeful and paranoid. With that clarity, we could either move forward together or separately... either way, it would be better. I know that I have a lot to offer him. I know that he may not be willing to offer me as much for his own reasons, but I wish I could just know. At least, for my own peace of mind.

Though, deep inside I know I wish and dream that there would be something more....
I dream about it so much now. I don't know if I can just let myself slip through it without feeling even a tinge of disappointment when he says no..


Huwag mo akong sisihin kung ang lungkot ng aking damdamin

Bakit di mo akong subukan suyuin…suyuin

If there really was something... Because its confusing me and everyone else that knows the story...if we could just try...

But if there really is nothing... I would still wait...


Naghihintay, kahit parang wala pag - asa

Handa, maghintay kahit pa may’ron kang iba

Bahala na,

Naghihintay ako na ika’y makasama

Kahit na, naghihintay


....Kahit parang wala na

And that was what I thought of today at 9:45 am in La Casita, just in case anyone was wondering..

Kat's Bday and Debut 10/13-14/06

The One with Friday the 13th and Random Ramblings

To be honest, i have no idea why i decided to open this up today. I was just thinking that, hey, this is rare: friday the 13th, so here I am. But part of me says that that isn't at all why. Maybe it's because if feel bad that I had to commute today, good that we were able to throw a good surprise for my friend, Kat, sad that I listened to that song again or maybe its because I just finished watching the season 3 finale of the OC in youtube. It was sad. Suffice to say, all that made me think. Well, there is a lot more than that, but those are the only things I feel free to saying at the moment. Yesterday afternoon when I was able to have a bit of free time to myself, I listened to the song while sitting in the conserve. It wasn't that long, but i got to think nontheless. About, well, everything.

There are times when I walk, travel, hang around and am alone, and most of those times I can picture myself doing all those things from a thrid person's point of view. As if i'm watching myself from afar, hover about eight feet from the floor, I watch myself. I watch myself knowing everything about myself. And I tell you, if a normal passerby saw myself knowing me, they'd probably stop instead of walking on. It has nothing to do with conceit, just, knowledge. And not just a passerby, anyone. If just anyone knew, even the people close to me, knew what I was thinking, right then...I'm not sure. But maybe they'd give e little bit of empathy. It's like relating to a character you watch in a movie. You know what they're thinking about but the other characters in the story had no idea. Something like that. If i'm even making sense, that is.

There have been a lot of opportunities to think over these past few days, and I took them all... even if I was engaged in a prior conversation. And certainly there were things I thought of that probably should have never risen or thought of. There were memories that resurfaced at the wrong time. But I guess it's okay. No one would no anyway...

How can you tell that you're sad about something? for me, its when i suddenly slump back in my chair, feel heavy when i walk, breathe in very deeply and something is stinging me right below my neck. My shoulders are slouching and my hands feel heavy and painful. That, and of course the tears. But then, is there anything to be sad about? I've been crying a bit lately. Just a bit. Random times...but same thought. I am happy one moment and then I think of it and I get all that feeling that I said above. When that happens, I know I'm sad and I just get into that kind of mood. I know what I'm thinking about, and I think I know why. And everytime I think of why, I cry just a bit more. Then I close my eyes and sleep.

I know the stuff I said before...but... somehow part of me still wants to give in to the temptation of doing just the opposite of what I said I believed in. But I guess, just because you believe something, doesnt necessarily mean that it's what you want...right? I dont know.

But I still liked friday the 13 though... happy birthday kat.

so random noh? and i was so very vague....maybe cause it just isnt something all should know..or should ever be said.

Dre's Debut 10-07-06 at Patio Victoria, Intramuros

Meo and Dex Ad Libitum Celebration 10-06-06

and some stikes of vanity XD