Tuesday, 30 May 2006
The Repentance
No, it does not have anything to do with Fatal Frame I, II or III. It's just something I want to call this stage I'm going through. But, I guess it does have something to do with Fatal Frame since it's where I got the idea. I figured since "repentance" means to turn from one's sin and to reform one's life then this would be perfect for me for obvious reasons.
But anyway, I figured that the only way now that I can release my thoughts now is through writing, well, in this case, typing. In a way, it helps me get better in my writing skills too. I'll need that for my English class--we'll be doing a lot of essays. This will practice me in organizing my thoughts under time pressure. But for now, I'll scrap the time pressure factor and just focus on organizing my thoughts.
So anyway...
Repenting. It's a word most people, especially Catholics, associate with religion. Not only is this such because it relates to sin, but because it is about renewing one's self to become better people--something religion, in a way, helps us do most of the time. But, I personally believe that repenting isn't always associated to God. Well, I'm not sure. If you think about it, everything is related to God. I guess that repenting, this time, is something I took out of the common religious concept.
Right now, repenting for me is all about reformation. I took a few moments today on my jeepney ride going to school (yeah, i shouldn't have let my mind wander, but I was dead bored on that jeep) about everything that's happened. It turns out, it never ceases to seem like one big icky, messy picture to me. I guess that's the only thing that's been on my mind lately...probably even the cause of why I forgot the newspaper we were assigned to bring in class today! But that doesn't matter (the newspaper thing... at least, not anymore), what matters was that I realized that there are more things that my mind should be focused on.
Take that whole newspaper thing for example. It was such a simple thing. Something I thought needed no focusing on. But, you know what, looking back on it... back to the time this afternoon when I was panicking about it (i forgot to bring it with me, remember?) I felt happy. yeah, I forgot the shtinkin' homework, but it felt better for me to be worrying about those things more than to when I worrying about what I've been thinking of for the past few weeks. I actuallly felt alive. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive just worrying about something so simple..so...trivial. I worried about forgetting something, I worried about being late to class, I was so worried about the LRT and I was worried that my dad would get mad at me for not going to our meeting place right away. Those things... they are so commonplace, so just...there everyday...And those were the ones that made me feel a lot happier. It was a really, really nice change from worrying about the other things that I considered once to be more important. But I realize now that those things... aren't so important. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are... but really, they aren't. I mean, there are so many other little things to watch out for... if you aren't looking correctly, you miss them.
It's kind of like driving (don't argue that I can't drive. I know I can't). When you're driving and you're worried about your destination, you don't get to see and enjoy the sights you see along the way. You get what I mean? Nevermind. But I get what I mean, so I guess it doesn't matter what you think. I'm now letting myself get more involved with college and the people I spend it with.
Its just...it's a new life, you know? Its a really big chance to change yourself, what you think of yourself and what others think of you as well (although that last one isn't really that important to me...). For me, I think that it's more important that I enjoy this experience and take it for what its worth. I'm glad that so far, I'm getting along great with my blockmates. Sure, I might not know them all, but I'm still really glad that it was them, and not any other block. Its a chance for me to focus on things I wasn't able to pay attention to in high school because of all the "serious" things I had to deal with then. Now, it will be about enjoying college life for what its worth. From here on end, I guess it doesnt matter to me what happens anymore. Carpe Diem and Come what may, I say.
When I get home, it may still be unavoidable for me to think about all the things that have happened, especially when I'm on YM or just lying down on my bed. But you know what? I guess that's still part of what makes me feel alive. Knowing that I'm still sensitive and not callous to those types of things. Someday, I hope that that worrying and all that anxiousness will leave me. If not completely, then most of it...
Yeah, you shouldn't believe everything I say, not even here. Sometimes I sound so optimistic, its not believable anymore!
I can't ask anything of anyone anymore...i no longer want to repeat my mistakes of the past. So, there...
Now, I look back and realize I have no idea what I just meant by what I typed.
But anyway, I figured that the only way now that I can release my thoughts now is through writing, well, in this case, typing. In a way, it helps me get better in my writing skills too. I'll need that for my English class--we'll be doing a lot of essays. This will practice me in organizing my thoughts under time pressure. But for now, I'll scrap the time pressure factor and just focus on organizing my thoughts.
So anyway...
Repenting. It's a word most people, especially Catholics, associate with religion. Not only is this such because it relates to sin, but because it is about renewing one's self to become better people--something religion, in a way, helps us do most of the time. But, I personally believe that repenting isn't always associated to God. Well, I'm not sure. If you think about it, everything is related to God. I guess that repenting, this time, is something I took out of the common religious concept.
Right now, repenting for me is all about reformation. I took a few moments today on my jeepney ride going to school (yeah, i shouldn't have let my mind wander, but I was dead bored on that jeep) about everything that's happened. It turns out, it never ceases to seem like one big icky, messy picture to me. I guess that's the only thing that's been on my mind lately...probably even the cause of why I forgot the newspaper we were assigned to bring in class today! But that doesn't matter (the newspaper thing... at least, not anymore), what matters was that I realized that there are more things that my mind should be focused on.
Take that whole newspaper thing for example. It was such a simple thing. Something I thought needed no focusing on. But, you know what, looking back on it... back to the time this afternoon when I was panicking about it (i forgot to bring it with me, remember?) I felt happy. yeah, I forgot the shtinkin' homework, but it felt better for me to be worrying about those things more than to when I worrying about what I've been thinking of for the past few weeks. I actuallly felt alive. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive just worrying about something so simple..so...trivial. I worried about forgetting something, I worried about being late to class, I was so worried about the LRT and I was worried that my dad would get mad at me for not going to our meeting place right away. Those things... they are so commonplace, so just...there everyday...And those were the ones that made me feel a lot happier. It was a really, really nice change from worrying about the other things that I considered once to be more important. But I realize now that those things... aren't so important. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are... but really, they aren't. I mean, there are so many other little things to watch out for... if you aren't looking correctly, you miss them.
It's kind of like driving (don't argue that I can't drive. I know I can't). When you're driving and you're worried about your destination, you don't get to see and enjoy the sights you see along the way. You get what I mean? Nevermind. But I get what I mean, so I guess it doesn't matter what you think. I'm now letting myself get more involved with college and the people I spend it with.
Its just...it's a new life, you know? Its a really big chance to change yourself, what you think of yourself and what others think of you as well (although that last one isn't really that important to me...). For me, I think that it's more important that I enjoy this experience and take it for what its worth. I'm glad that so far, I'm getting along great with my blockmates. Sure, I might not know them all, but I'm still really glad that it was them, and not any other block. Its a chance for me to focus on things I wasn't able to pay attention to in high school because of all the "serious" things I had to deal with then. Now, it will be about enjoying college life for what its worth. From here on end, I guess it doesnt matter to me what happens anymore. Carpe Diem and Come what may, I say.
When I get home, it may still be unavoidable for me to think about all the things that have happened, especially when I'm on YM or just lying down on my bed. But you know what? I guess that's still part of what makes me feel alive. Knowing that I'm still sensitive and not callous to those types of things. Someday, I hope that that worrying and all that anxiousness will leave me. If not completely, then most of it...
Yeah, you shouldn't believe everything I say, not even here. Sometimes I sound so optimistic, its not believable anymore!
I can't ask anything of anyone anymore...i no longer want to repeat my mistakes of the past. So, there...
Now, I look back and realize I have no idea what I just meant by what I typed.
Sunday, 28 May 2006
Blind
This is how things are. You think you know something, but you really don't. I used to think this way myself. Up until recently, so many things were unclear to me. With everything that's happened, I really needed time to be alone, do things I wanted to do and then think about it all to finally put it all into perspective. And to add to that, I've never even been very good at organizing anything...so someone can probably just imagine just how much time and therapy I needed to think this all through.
Last night though... when everyone had gone offline and I was the only one awake, probably.... when no one else was talking to me... I told myself to look in the internet for old things that used to put really big smiles on my face. Instantly, I thought of Harry Potter. I looked up videos of the ship that I never really got on... the Ron and Hermione ship. Hey, this isn't about that... but one of the videos used a song by Lifehouse. The title of the song was Blind. After watching the video once, i knew I wasn't thinking about the video anymore.
I downloaded the song right away and since then, haven't stopped listening to it. I can't say that this song explains my entire situation at the moment... but it sums part of it up. I realized that the root of my problems was my past.. Well, not my past perse, but my inability to let that past go. Everything in that past from gradeschool to highschool, I still haven't let it go.. And I think that's why things are so messed up right now.. Because everyone has moved on but me... and here I am trying to drag them all back with me.
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried.
Now, I always thought I was mature compared to everyone else.. I don't know. Maybe in a way, I am. But I had to think of things carefully.
Blind...that's what I was this entire time. I wanted to think that I knew myself so well at this point already, but I guess there is still a whole lot to learn...
I haven't written anything lately due to college and all this other stuff that's been happening...I reallly just needed to think it all through. I really needed the time.
Everyone has been telling me from the very beginning...I was that blind to not really see what they were trying to let me see...
Reality has come crashing on the floor...
After all this time... I couldn't see it..
I loved you more than you will ever know...
I hung on too my past so much because it was the only time I can recall ever being so totally 100% happy...
No one could make me see it....
But I do see it now. That's why I think I can really do it now... move on. Not just because I was given a gigantic push forward, but because maybe it really is the time to move on and possibly start life anew... I'm given college as a chance to do that...
Yeah....
A part of me died, when I let you go...
This may be true... a part of me might die when I finally am able to let go of my past... but...I have no worries.. because i will be building a new life for myself.
I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like is was before, but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor...
It's time I stop dreaming that everything would ever go back to what they were before.. The world, Life and God... just doesn't work that way....
I see it now....
So, this...
...this will be the last you ever see of me.
Here are the lyrics to
Blind by Lifehouse...:
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go
Quote:
"Being happy doesn't meant that everything is perfect. It just means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfection. So don't say you're happy because everything's alright. Be happy because everything sucks, but you're doing just fine..."
Last night though... when everyone had gone offline and I was the only one awake, probably.... when no one else was talking to me... I told myself to look in the internet for old things that used to put really big smiles on my face. Instantly, I thought of Harry Potter. I looked up videos of the ship that I never really got on... the Ron and Hermione ship. Hey, this isn't about that... but one of the videos used a song by Lifehouse. The title of the song was Blind. After watching the video once, i knew I wasn't thinking about the video anymore.
I downloaded the song right away and since then, haven't stopped listening to it. I can't say that this song explains my entire situation at the moment... but it sums part of it up. I realized that the root of my problems was my past.. Well, not my past perse, but my inability to let that past go. Everything in that past from gradeschool to highschool, I still haven't let it go.. And I think that's why things are so messed up right now.. Because everyone has moved on but me... and here I am trying to drag them all back with me.
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried.
Now, I always thought I was mature compared to everyone else.. I don't know. Maybe in a way, I am. But I had to think of things carefully.
Blind...that's what I was this entire time. I wanted to think that I knew myself so well at this point already, but I guess there is still a whole lot to learn...
I haven't written anything lately due to college and all this other stuff that's been happening...I reallly just needed to think it all through. I really needed the time.
Everyone has been telling me from the very beginning...I was that blind to not really see what they were trying to let me see...
Reality has come crashing on the floor...
After all this time... I couldn't see it..
I loved you more than you will ever know...
I hung on too my past so much because it was the only time I can recall ever being so totally 100% happy...
No one could make me see it....
But I do see it now. That's why I think I can really do it now... move on. Not just because I was given a gigantic push forward, but because maybe it really is the time to move on and possibly start life anew... I'm given college as a chance to do that...
Yeah....
A part of me died, when I let you go...
This may be true... a part of me might die when I finally am able to let go of my past... but...I have no worries.. because i will be building a new life for myself.
I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like is was before, but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor...
It's time I stop dreaming that everything would ever go back to what they were before.. The world, Life and God... just doesn't work that way....
I see it now....
So, this...
...this will be the last you ever see of me.
Here are the lyrics to
Blind by Lifehouse...:
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go
Quote:
"Being happy doesn't meant that everything is perfect. It just means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfection. So don't say you're happy because everything's alright. Be happy because everything sucks, but you're doing just fine..."
Sunday, 21 May 2006
Saturday, 13 May 2006
Wednesday, 10 May 2006
Its too exhausting to think...
There must be a reason to why the heck I still end up feeling this way. I know that I seldom talk any sense anymore and, most times, it just ends up in a big slimy, icky mess. But I don't care. I'm just totally at a loss here. Confusion: it seems to be something that's taken quite a liking to me. Gee, I'm flattered but..wtf, go away.
Life, as we know it, is usually unfair. There are just so many things to go through and so many trials to overcome. I know that the rewards would make up for the trouble, but that doesn't mean I still like going through it.
Or is it paranoia?
Anyway...have you ever felt like you're always just going to be second best? Or, not even, second best. Like, third, fourth, one-hundreth or...not best at all? (why does the term 'second best' exist anyway. best- is a superlative that says that just one person or thing ranks highest above all others.. its really stupid). Anyway, I guess this is pertaining to how I feel most times now. I know I should stop thinking about stupid High School stuff because I should be above that now and try consentrating on my studies..stuff that might actually be of importance to where I end up in my future. But, I guess maybe I haven't totally let go of being an HS student yet.
Because if I had, then I should probably stop caring why this person..why this person, despite what we've talked about (okay, just once) still..still is the same. I mean, I expected it. I did! Despite me falling for this person, I accepted that I wasn't going to receive the same feelings--that this person is still so totally committed to liking this other person..
I can't stop thinking about it though. I shouldn't let it get to me so much because its not that person's fault. And yet still.. still...still I'm like this. This is really not what I wanted to happen. Maybe I'm just sad... sad that I had to fall for someone that has someone way way high up on a pedestal...I'm just sad that I know I can never get close.. not even a little bit. Maybe that's what hurts the most...
And now, this friend of mine...well..I've either got to stop being paranoid or...or I should just kick myself really hard....
I, honestly, still continue to wonder why it is I'm always like this when it comes to that...why I still get that stupid feeling. I really, really, really thought I was above that, what I don't care anymore and yet...yet here I am still thinking about it. What should I care about it for? It has nothing to do with me, and it isn't like I've got anything to defend. It's not like I matter in that situation. So why, why, why am I back where I once was again? Oh, I'm going to quote my friend again on this one...
darn I can't find what she wrote before.. but anyway, I'll quote the last line she wrote.
"And I'm back again to where I started: falling and hurting."
The thing is, I don't know why this is happening. I really should get a grip and just get over it. I don't know how..maybe at the moment I'm too bored to pay attention to anything else, who knows. Maybe by the time college rolls around, we'd all be way too busy to think about those kind of things. Maybe I, too, will forget those stupid High School things and just concentrate...
My mom said that I will make new friends aside from the ones I have now. I know that as of right now, its kind of hard to imagine being friends with anybody else but the friends I have now. Maybe I'm just stubborn. Maybe this feeling is stubborn...I just hope I can forget about what I'm thinking, about what I'm feeling and hopefully, I'll find something better at the end of this pestiferous tunnel..
So, to you, the thoughts and the people lingering and irking the hell out of me (though, getting the hell out of me wouldnt be soo bad), be gone. I'm fine in a academically stressed and phsyically trying world but don't anyone or anything dare drag my emotions in to it. Because, I will go crazy.
Life, as we know it, is usually unfair. There are just so many things to go through and so many trials to overcome. I know that the rewards would make up for the trouble, but that doesn't mean I still like going through it.
Or is it paranoia?
Anyway...have you ever felt like you're always just going to be second best? Or, not even, second best. Like, third, fourth, one-hundreth or...not best at all? (why does the term 'second best' exist anyway. best- is a superlative that says that just one person or thing ranks highest above all others.. its really stupid). Anyway, I guess this is pertaining to how I feel most times now. I know I should stop thinking about stupid High School stuff because I should be above that now and try consentrating on my studies..stuff that might actually be of importance to where I end up in my future. But, I guess maybe I haven't totally let go of being an HS student yet.
Because if I had, then I should probably stop caring why this person..why this person, despite what we've talked about (okay, just once) still..still is the same. I mean, I expected it. I did! Despite me falling for this person, I accepted that I wasn't going to receive the same feelings--that this person is still so totally committed to liking this other person..
I can't stop thinking about it though. I shouldn't let it get to me so much because its not that person's fault. And yet still.. still...still I'm like this. This is really not what I wanted to happen. Maybe I'm just sad... sad that I had to fall for someone that has someone way way high up on a pedestal...I'm just sad that I know I can never get close.. not even a little bit. Maybe that's what hurts the most...
And now, this friend of mine...well..I've either got to stop being paranoid or...or I should just kick myself really hard....
I, honestly, still continue to wonder why it is I'm always like this when it comes to that...why I still get that stupid feeling. I really, really, really thought I was above that, what I don't care anymore and yet...yet here I am still thinking about it. What should I care about it for? It has nothing to do with me, and it isn't like I've got anything to defend. It's not like I matter in that situation. So why, why, why am I back where I once was again? Oh, I'm going to quote my friend again on this one...
darn I can't find what she wrote before.. but anyway, I'll quote the last line she wrote.
"And I'm back again to where I started: falling and hurting."
The thing is, I don't know why this is happening. I really should get a grip and just get over it. I don't know how..maybe at the moment I'm too bored to pay attention to anything else, who knows. Maybe by the time college rolls around, we'd all be way too busy to think about those kind of things. Maybe I, too, will forget those stupid High School things and just concentrate...
My mom said that I will make new friends aside from the ones I have now. I know that as of right now, its kind of hard to imagine being friends with anybody else but the friends I have now. Maybe I'm just stubborn. Maybe this feeling is stubborn...I just hope I can forget about what I'm thinking, about what I'm feeling and hopefully, I'll find something better at the end of this pestiferous tunnel..
So, to you, the thoughts and the people lingering and irking the hell out of me (though, getting the hell out of me wouldnt be soo bad), be gone. I'm fine in a academically stressed and phsyically trying world but don't anyone or anything dare drag my emotions in to it. Because, I will go crazy.
"A world of 'if's but it made no difference. What was done was done. If I could go back in time...but I couldn't. The past is behind me. The best thing now would be to stop looking over my shoulder. It was time to forget the past and look to the present and future..."
-Cirque du Freak
-Cirque du Freak
Sunday, 7 May 2006
Kittens are Adorable
They are. Well, kittens and puppies and babies in general. I want another puppy.. I dont know about a kitty... because I've never taken care of a cat before... And babies... well, my own human baby will have to wait a few years--maybe a decade before he/she can meet me. hahaha!
I'm glad that no one has to see me make little baby faces at the puppies and kitties I see in petshops. Hahaha. I think i look silly. My brother always says I do. Hahaha.
This is totally random on the count of... Im bored again!!!!!
Haaay, some one put me out of my misery (that means boredom) puh-leeez~
I'm glad that no one has to see me make little baby faces at the puppies and kitties I see in petshops. Hahaha. I think i look silly. My brother always says I do. Hahaha.
This is totally random on the count of... Im bored again!!!!!
Haaay, some one put me out of my misery (that means boredom) puh-leeez~
Wednesday, 3 May 2006
A Dream
There was a locket in my hand. A heart-shaped locket similar to the one that hangs on my cellphone.
A text message...
"Here's the locket.
Sorry it took so long.
I hope you like it."
A figure in the distance...
And that's all....
Why...why do I keep having these dreams of you...?
A text message...
"Here's the locket.
Sorry it took so long.
I hope you like it."
A figure in the distance...
And that's all....
Why...why do I keep having these dreams of you...?
Monday, 1 May 2006
Kingdom Hearts II
| Rating: | ★★★★★ |
| Category: | Video Games |
| Genre: | Role-Playing |
| Console: | PlayStation 2 |
Just something that came to me
Does anyone even read the stuff I write? Well I guess not. Anyway, I just came from a debut, Jei's. It was really fun. I had a blast. It was nice to do something really nice and special for someone. I hope she appreciates what I got--er--made for her. Anyway, I just got home and I just got all contemplative--can't really tell you why but I did and just a little something that brewed in my head while I was in the shower....its a one-shot. I hope I finish this one. hehehe...
"My friends and I went to the beach that day. The sun sparkled on both the sand and the sea, my friends all refreshed and ready to dive into the waters, and the breeze was just amazing. It was one of those very rare things that we wouldn't normally do or--as it seemed--will be doing again for quite some time. That beach trip was two months in the making and it was finally there. No one could outmatch each other's excitment--we were all looking forward to the trip very much. So, it was just me, my friends, the sand, the palm trees, and the sea. It was all the perfect setting for the end of the vacation.
"For practically the entire day, we swam, built sandcastles that kept toppling down, playing games, waded in the shoreline, lay on the sand and visited the small tidepools filled with marine life. It was pretty much what anyone did at the beach--what made it special was the people I came with. By the time sunset came, we all sat on different spots on the beach. It was sort of our own time to contemplate on the sunset because it was undoubtedly probably the only one we will all ever share in a long while. I, like the others, sat on a spot of my own. I gazed into the horizon. The sun was already halfway gone and its entracing orange glow was disappearing into red. I gazed out at it and smiled. It seemed to match the different colors that the sky was complementing it with--a rainbow-colored sky. I loved it and looked over at my other friends who were also staring at the sight. They, too, seemed to have a satisfied and happy look on their faces. I turned, then, to a friend that stayed a bit further to my right. And I tell you, it was unlike the other faces that I saw that time.
"She stood, unlike the rest of us in a manner that I just could not explain--a mixture of confrontation and surrender towards the sun. Even her face had that same expression--except for the added mixture of sadness. The way she looked over at the sun, I wasn't sure whether she was happy or sad upon seeing it. She was breathing very heavily--sometimes calmly. But it was her eyes that came as the most puzzling to me. She, genuinely looked confused. Every now and then a flash of a different emotion would fill her eyes--happiness, sadness, distress, anger and hope. But all of those emotions left as quickly as they appeared. Her eyes couldn't tell me what was a matter--and eyes usually gave the feeling of the person quite easily. So, she was confused--she definitely was. I glanced over at the sun: the tip was almost gone, and it was now red. The rainbow -colored sky began to disappear as well leaving only a mixed shade of blue and purple. I looked over at my friend again and for the slightest moment, I thought I saw tears welling up in her eyes, but she blinked and in an instant, they were gone. If they were tears, she never shed them.
"Then, she crouched down at the sand and etched something with her forefinger. I tried to squint to see what she wrote, but couldn't see it at all. Finishing, she only looked at what she had written for a second before standing and, taking one last glance at the already finished sunset, walked back to the cabana we were staying in. I took a few seconds before standing and going over to see what she had etched in the sand, but it had already been washed away by the waves, not leaving the slightest trace of it.
"Ever since, I've always wondered just what that was that I witnessed on that beach. I always knew that that friend of mine was emotional and sentimental but that was probably the first time I saw her in utter confusion--it wasn't through a letter, or a phone conversation or even a chat session. It was the first time I saw an actual inner battle on the face of anyone else other than me. Since then, I've also been wondering what it was that she wrote on the beach--and everytime I'm on a vacation at the beach, I always find myself drifting back to those thoughts that are already so many years old.
"That trip to the beach took place almost two decades ago and those friends of mine that were there, well, I think its pretty safe to say that we ended up just like most high school friends do: apart. That was probably the last time we were all together...the very last time. I haven't seen most of them in years--including that friend of mine that I still think about every time I'm on a beach somewhere.
"Until today...I am actually going to visit her and finally going to ask about that moment all those years ago. No, that wasn't the reason I was going to visit her. We had talked recently and decided to get together for old time's sake, but I will ask her about it.
"I pulled over at the coffeeshop we had agreed to meet up in and walked inside. There were a few people there and I was afraid of not recognizing her after all these years, but there she was, sitting there as if only a few years had not gone by and not as many as there really was. We hugged and sat down and got to do a lot of catching up. Someone would think that a pair like us who have not talked about anything in ages would find it hard to still meet in similar points. But one would be wrong. She was still pretty much the same person I knew back then--only older, wiser it seemed and something else. She was different in a way--but something that just made her both glow and dim at the same time. Could it be partially because of that day at the beach. It was bothering me now so before I forgot about it, I asked her.
"'Beach trip?' she asked me, not quite remembering right away. I pulled out a photograph and showed it to her. It was taken on the day of our trip--taken when we were all able to build a decent sandcastle that toppled down not long after the photo was taken. 'Ah,' she said, finally, 'I remember that trip, yes. It was the last time we were all together'. I then asked her about that moment she had and what she had written on the sand. The look on her face after I had mentioned it. At first, she was confused, not quite remembering that memory, but after recalling what I had saw, she sighed and finally remembered. 'I didn't know you saw me then,' she admitted, 'and that was a very long time ago, I can't believe you're still wondering about it all this time'. I told her that it was something that deeply puzzled me that I would finally like to put to rest as a memory.
"'That day,' she began, 'well, it was exciting--we all knew that. I just had fun until we watched that sunset'. 'But it was beautiful,' I said, 'I don't think I've ever seen anything like that ever since'. 'Oh,' she said, 'I wasn't sad about the sunset, the sunset was amazing--we all knew that. But it was it reminded me that made me feel so sad. That sunset...reminded me of all the things I have and didn't have. I remember...' She paused here and looked out the cafe window, apparently reliving the memory. ' I remember standing there alone. I glanced at all of you and at my family that was there and I was grateful to be sharing that moment with all of you. I was grateful that I had so many cherished blessings in my life and that, at least once, I could share one beautiful memory of my life with all of you--no matter where we ended up after that. But then...but then I thought about how I wasn't trully happy--that part of what I shared with my friends and family was just a facade. I knew that I wasn't happy--and I knew way too well that the one thing that I thought could make my happiness was unreachable for me then. For a moment, I saw myself on that beach, watching that beautiful sunset all alone, with no one to share it with--no one that would embrace me and smile and tell me how important I and that moment meant to them. I knew that it was childish to have wanted "love" then--it was probably the hormones talking. But I still didnt like the thought of me being lonely. But back then, I knew that having someone special would make me the happiest I could be then at that stage in my life. The thing was, that stage of my life was coming to an end. In only a few years, I would cease to be a teenager and become an adult--a person that had more important things to do than run around chasing love and kisses. So, even if I knew I wanted it so bad, I looked at that sunset, as if it were God-Himself and surrendered. I surrendered to the thought of ever finding someone that will love me as much as I loved them. I surrendered and committed myself to finding the second best thing that will make me happy. That day... yes... I remember it. I wrote in the sand just when the sun set finally--sort of as a final stand on the matter. I was on the verge of crying--I didn't want to do it but I knew I had to in order to move on. I wrote on the sand, as if I were writing with my own blood...the words I never wanted to say in my entire life...the words that, ironically, would set me free from disappointment....the words that would separate me from the one thing I really wanted in my life then...'. She paused and didn't say anything except stared out the window. I leaned towards her and asked, 'So, what did you write?'.
"She tore her gazing eyes from the window and slowly turned her head to face me. With a sad look on her face, she said: 'I give up'.
"Since talking with her that day, I've thought a lot about Life, its irony and the sacrifices we all have to make to make ends meet in our lives and get the most out of it. It's an age-old cliche to encourage someone not to give up. But, according to the story my friend told me, giving up actually helped her move on. Love then was something that she trully wanted and would give anything to have--but when she gave her all and still did not receive it, it only ended up hurting her even more. She decided to give Love up and move on to something else that would make her almost just as happy. She wouldn't wait around or kill herself trying anymore--she made a different move--a move to leave it behind. She didn't give it up--she sacrificed it. In the end, she decided that her happiness was more important than Love she was after. There were other ways to be happy and Love wasn't the only path towards it.
"She told me, that if she hadn't given up when she did, she might not be as satisfied with her life as she was now. She would probably still be chasing after it and have never grown up. Well, she is still single now even after all these years, but she isn't caring about it anymore like she used to. Since moving on, she's done more things that have brought her closer to being completely happy than she ever would have been if she had just sat waiting for Love to hit her in the face. She said that she still isn't as happy as she would definitely be given Love, but at least now she was content. Now, she was more satisfied of her choices in life and have accomplished a lot more things than she probably would have if she hadn't writen those words on the sand. She told me that someday she still hopes to find the Love she once searched for as a young girl. But she wouldn't be the one running after it this time. Next time, she said, she would be the one it chases after. This time, she came out on top, and not Love."
Ah, well, that's all. Its probably a bit messy down at the bottom--but hai don't care.
"My friends and I went to the beach that day. The sun sparkled on both the sand and the sea, my friends all refreshed and ready to dive into the waters, and the breeze was just amazing. It was one of those very rare things that we wouldn't normally do or--as it seemed--will be doing again for quite some time. That beach trip was two months in the making and it was finally there. No one could outmatch each other's excitment--we were all looking forward to the trip very much. So, it was just me, my friends, the sand, the palm trees, and the sea. It was all the perfect setting for the end of the vacation.
"For practically the entire day, we swam, built sandcastles that kept toppling down, playing games, waded in the shoreline, lay on the sand and visited the small tidepools filled with marine life. It was pretty much what anyone did at the beach--what made it special was the people I came with. By the time sunset came, we all sat on different spots on the beach. It was sort of our own time to contemplate on the sunset because it was undoubtedly probably the only one we will all ever share in a long while. I, like the others, sat on a spot of my own. I gazed into the horizon. The sun was already halfway gone and its entracing orange glow was disappearing into red. I gazed out at it and smiled. It seemed to match the different colors that the sky was complementing it with--a rainbow-colored sky. I loved it and looked over at my other friends who were also staring at the sight. They, too, seemed to have a satisfied and happy look on their faces. I turned, then, to a friend that stayed a bit further to my right. And I tell you, it was unlike the other faces that I saw that time.
"She stood, unlike the rest of us in a manner that I just could not explain--a mixture of confrontation and surrender towards the sun. Even her face had that same expression--except for the added mixture of sadness. The way she looked over at the sun, I wasn't sure whether she was happy or sad upon seeing it. She was breathing very heavily--sometimes calmly. But it was her eyes that came as the most puzzling to me. She, genuinely looked confused. Every now and then a flash of a different emotion would fill her eyes--happiness, sadness, distress, anger and hope. But all of those emotions left as quickly as they appeared. Her eyes couldn't tell me what was a matter--and eyes usually gave the feeling of the person quite easily. So, she was confused--she definitely was. I glanced over at the sun: the tip was almost gone, and it was now red. The rainbow -colored sky began to disappear as well leaving only a mixed shade of blue and purple. I looked over at my friend again and for the slightest moment, I thought I saw tears welling up in her eyes, but she blinked and in an instant, they were gone. If they were tears, she never shed them.
"Then, she crouched down at the sand and etched something with her forefinger. I tried to squint to see what she wrote, but couldn't see it at all. Finishing, she only looked at what she had written for a second before standing and, taking one last glance at the already finished sunset, walked back to the cabana we were staying in. I took a few seconds before standing and going over to see what she had etched in the sand, but it had already been washed away by the waves, not leaving the slightest trace of it.
"Ever since, I've always wondered just what that was that I witnessed on that beach. I always knew that that friend of mine was emotional and sentimental but that was probably the first time I saw her in utter confusion--it wasn't through a letter, or a phone conversation or even a chat session. It was the first time I saw an actual inner battle on the face of anyone else other than me. Since then, I've also been wondering what it was that she wrote on the beach--and everytime I'm on a vacation at the beach, I always find myself drifting back to those thoughts that are already so many years old.
"That trip to the beach took place almost two decades ago and those friends of mine that were there, well, I think its pretty safe to say that we ended up just like most high school friends do: apart. That was probably the last time we were all together...the very last time. I haven't seen most of them in years--including that friend of mine that I still think about every time I'm on a beach somewhere.
"Until today...I am actually going to visit her and finally going to ask about that moment all those years ago. No, that wasn't the reason I was going to visit her. We had talked recently and decided to get together for old time's sake, but I will ask her about it.
"I pulled over at the coffeeshop we had agreed to meet up in and walked inside. There were a few people there and I was afraid of not recognizing her after all these years, but there she was, sitting there as if only a few years had not gone by and not as many as there really was. We hugged and sat down and got to do a lot of catching up. Someone would think that a pair like us who have not talked about anything in ages would find it hard to still meet in similar points. But one would be wrong. She was still pretty much the same person I knew back then--only older, wiser it seemed and something else. She was different in a way--but something that just made her both glow and dim at the same time. Could it be partially because of that day at the beach. It was bothering me now so before I forgot about it, I asked her.
"'Beach trip?' she asked me, not quite remembering right away. I pulled out a photograph and showed it to her. It was taken on the day of our trip--taken when we were all able to build a decent sandcastle that toppled down not long after the photo was taken. 'Ah,' she said, finally, 'I remember that trip, yes. It was the last time we were all together'. I then asked her about that moment she had and what she had written on the sand. The look on her face after I had mentioned it. At first, she was confused, not quite remembering that memory, but after recalling what I had saw, she sighed and finally remembered. 'I didn't know you saw me then,' she admitted, 'and that was a very long time ago, I can't believe you're still wondering about it all this time'. I told her that it was something that deeply puzzled me that I would finally like to put to rest as a memory.
"'That day,' she began, 'well, it was exciting--we all knew that. I just had fun until we watched that sunset'. 'But it was beautiful,' I said, 'I don't think I've ever seen anything like that ever since'. 'Oh,' she said, 'I wasn't sad about the sunset, the sunset was amazing--we all knew that. But it was it reminded me that made me feel so sad. That sunset...reminded me of all the things I have and didn't have. I remember...' She paused here and looked out the cafe window, apparently reliving the memory. ' I remember standing there alone. I glanced at all of you and at my family that was there and I was grateful to be sharing that moment with all of you. I was grateful that I had so many cherished blessings in my life and that, at least once, I could share one beautiful memory of my life with all of you--no matter where we ended up after that. But then...but then I thought about how I wasn't trully happy--that part of what I shared with my friends and family was just a facade. I knew that I wasn't happy--and I knew way too well that the one thing that I thought could make my happiness was unreachable for me then. For a moment, I saw myself on that beach, watching that beautiful sunset all alone, with no one to share it with--no one that would embrace me and smile and tell me how important I and that moment meant to them. I knew that it was childish to have wanted "love" then--it was probably the hormones talking. But I still didnt like the thought of me being lonely. But back then, I knew that having someone special would make me the happiest I could be then at that stage in my life. The thing was, that stage of my life was coming to an end. In only a few years, I would cease to be a teenager and become an adult--a person that had more important things to do than run around chasing love and kisses. So, even if I knew I wanted it so bad, I looked at that sunset, as if it were God-Himself and surrendered. I surrendered to the thought of ever finding someone that will love me as much as I loved them. I surrendered and committed myself to finding the second best thing that will make me happy. That day... yes... I remember it. I wrote in the sand just when the sun set finally--sort of as a final stand on the matter. I was on the verge of crying--I didn't want to do it but I knew I had to in order to move on. I wrote on the sand, as if I were writing with my own blood...the words I never wanted to say in my entire life...the words that, ironically, would set me free from disappointment....the words that would separate me from the one thing I really wanted in my life then...'. She paused and didn't say anything except stared out the window. I leaned towards her and asked, 'So, what did you write?'.
"She tore her gazing eyes from the window and slowly turned her head to face me. With a sad look on her face, she said: 'I give up'.
"Since talking with her that day, I've thought a lot about Life, its irony and the sacrifices we all have to make to make ends meet in our lives and get the most out of it. It's an age-old cliche to encourage someone not to give up. But, according to the story my friend told me, giving up actually helped her move on. Love then was something that she trully wanted and would give anything to have--but when she gave her all and still did not receive it, it only ended up hurting her even more. She decided to give Love up and move on to something else that would make her almost just as happy. She wouldn't wait around or kill herself trying anymore--she made a different move--a move to leave it behind. She didn't give it up--she sacrificed it. In the end, she decided that her happiness was more important than Love she was after. There were other ways to be happy and Love wasn't the only path towards it.
"She told me, that if she hadn't given up when she did, she might not be as satisfied with her life as she was now. She would probably still be chasing after it and have never grown up. Well, she is still single now even after all these years, but she isn't caring about it anymore like she used to. Since moving on, she's done more things that have brought her closer to being completely happy than she ever would have been if she had just sat waiting for Love to hit her in the face. She said that she still isn't as happy as she would definitely be given Love, but at least now she was content. Now, she was more satisfied of her choices in life and have accomplished a lot more things than she probably would have if she hadn't writen those words on the sand. She told me that someday she still hopes to find the Love she once searched for as a young girl. But she wouldn't be the one running after it this time. Next time, she said, she would be the one it chases after. This time, she came out on top, and not Love."
Ah, well, that's all. Its probably a bit messy down at the bottom--but hai don't care.
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