The Repentance

No, it does not have anything to do with Fatal Frame I, II or III. It's just something I want to call this stage I'm going through. But, I guess it does have something to do with Fatal Frame since it's where I got the idea. I figured since "repentance" means to turn from one's sin and to reform one's life then this would be perfect for me for obvious reasons.

But anyway, I figured that the only way now that I can release my thoughts now is through writing, well, in this case, typing. In a way, it helps me get better in my writing skills too. I'll need that for my English class--we'll be doing a lot of essays. This will practice me in organizing my thoughts under time pressure. But for now, I'll scrap the time pressure factor and just focus on organizing my thoughts.

So anyway...

Repenting. It's a word most people, especially Catholics, associate with religion. Not only is this such because it relates to sin, but because it is about renewing one's self to become better people--something religion, in a way, helps us do most of the time. But, I personally believe that repenting isn't always associated to God. Well, I'm not sure. If you think about it, everything is related to God. I guess that repenting, this time, is something I took out of the common religious concept.

Right now, repenting for me is all about reformation. I took a few moments today on my jeepney ride going to school (yeah, i shouldn't have let my mind wander, but I was dead bored on that jeep) about everything that's happened. It turns out, it never ceases to seem like one big icky, messy picture to me. I guess that's the only thing that's been on my mind lately...probably even the cause of why I forgot the newspaper we were assigned to bring in class today! But that doesn't matter (the newspaper thing... at least, not anymore), what matters was that I realized that there are more things that my mind should be focused on.

Take that whole newspaper thing for example. It was such a simple thing. Something I thought needed no focusing on. But, you know what, looking back on it... back to the time this afternoon when I was panicking about it (i forgot to bring it with me, remember?) I felt happy. yeah, I forgot the shtinkin' homework, but it felt better for me to be worrying about those things more than to when I worrying about what I've been thinking of for the past few weeks. I actuallly felt alive. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive just worrying about something so simple..so...trivial. I worried about forgetting something, I worried about being late to class, I was so worried about the LRT and I was worried that my dad would get mad at me for not going to our meeting place right away. Those things... they are so commonplace, so just...there everyday...And those were the ones that made me feel a lot happier. It was a really, really nice change from worrying about the other things that I considered once to be more important. But I realize now that those things... aren't so important. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are... but really, they aren't. I mean, there are so many other little things to watch out for... if you aren't looking correctly, you miss them.

It's kind of like driving (don't argue that I can't drive. I know I can't). When you're driving and you're worried about your destination, you don't get to see and enjoy the sights you see along the way. You get what I mean? Nevermind. But I get what I mean, so I guess it doesn't matter what you think. I'm now letting myself get more involved with college and the people I spend it with.

Its just...it's a new life, you know? Its a really big chance to change yourself, what you think of yourself and what others think of you as well (although that last one isn't really that important to me...). For me, I think that it's more important that I enjoy this experience and take it for what its worth. I'm glad that so far, I'm getting along great with my blockmates. Sure, I might not know them all, but I'm still really glad that it was them, and not any other block. Its a chance for me to focus on things I wasn't able to pay attention to in high school because of all the "serious" things I had to deal with then. Now, it will be about enjoying college life for what its worth. From here on end, I guess it doesnt matter to me what happens anymore. Carpe Diem  and Come what may, I say.

When I get home, it may still be unavoidable for me to think about all the things that have happened, especially when I'm on YM or just lying down on my bed. But you know what? I guess that's still part of what makes me feel alive. Knowing that I'm still sensitive and not callous to those types of things. Someday, I hope that that worrying and all that anxiousness will leave me. If not completely, then most of it...

Yeah, you shouldn't believe everything I say, not even here. Sometimes I sound so optimistic, its not believable anymore!

I can't ask anything of anyone anymore...i no longer want to repeat my mistakes of the past. So, there...

Now, I look back and realize I have no idea what I just meant by what I typed.