The One about the Emo-ness

I'm minding my own business. Sitting quietly in the passenger seat of the car while my dad and I were on the way home when Regine Velasquez comes blaring her voice from the speakers. The song, not the singer, brought me to Emo-ness in an instant; and I, for the most part, have no idea why.

And then I go online. I see pictures in an album of a friend. And, boy, am I sad. No, it's not the fact that I was never invited to one of those things.. Well, maybe. I guess there was just something I missed when I left (you all have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't really care. haha). There was more of a bond.. a bond I had missed. I guess some part of me wanted to be part of that. For a long time, I had tried convincing myself that I was alright and happier where I was then, but I guess I was only fooling myself. Because even there, I didn't belong. There was just something about what I had left that made me cling to it and want to be brought along with it... I guess I was never really a part of that; and now, I never will be.

What else will I never be part of? What else will I not be close to?

...I totally don't know or understand what suddenly happened, what suddenly changed. I held on to the promise and notion that we'd stay the way we normally are. But no matter how much I say to myself and no matter how much you deny it, something is really off. Is it just a coincidence that I haven't seen you at all? Is it meant to be that we are NOT to meet? I just thought of how funny we both are, and somehow amazing that we haven't ever stayed in each other's company for more than a year now. The cellphones saved our friendship that I'm sure would have wilted away had they not existed. It amazed me that we still, somehow, got close even if I could never really measure to the amount of time you spend and have spent with other people. Comparatively, I seem to be nothing to you.  A small piece of your life. Maybe. I hope not.

I, however, cannot say the same about you. It goes without saying why. What I can't take is the fact that I will perhaps not be anything more to you. Truthfully, I hadn't wished for me to want more or more in the first place. I was perfectly happy with the arrangement we "had" before. You and I as friends. Period. But you can probably understand how things change in the most inconvenient of times. Suddenly, even if you don't feel it, you're gone. Just how you and I were barren and gone when we had not talked for a long time. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if we weren't as
"close" as we are now. But we are, somehow. You said it yourself. I have proof. I prayed as much as I can that this wouldn't happen, that I wouldn't be feeling this way, but somehow it has happened just as I feared and you are no where in sight to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong and that nothing has changed between us.

Before, it did not bother me that it was I who began all our conversations, initiated the ice breakers and did all that. All you had to do was reply and I was more than happy to receive your answer. Now, unfortunately, it does bother me. Do you even want to talk to me? Really? I'm so confused. You never answered me.

It's driving me crazy that I can't talk to you as I could before. That now I can't find a way or even an excuse to get close to you. I am losing my mind. I'm screaming out to you now...

What happens next is up to you. I let you have that power. I believe I've taken control long enough. I now want to see what YOU want to happen. If anything will EVER happen...

Tell me, what happens to us now? Was it a Yes? or a No?

Please, tell me... for my sanity's sake.