Its too exhausting to think...

There must be a reason to why the heck I still end up feeling this way. I know that I seldom talk any sense anymore and, most times, it just ends up in a big slimy, icky mess. But I don't care. I'm just totally at a loss here. Confusion: it seems to be something that's taken quite a liking to me. Gee, I'm flattered but..wtf, go away.

Life, as we know it, is usually unfair. There are just so many things to go through and so many trials to overcome. I know that the rewards would make up for the trouble, but that doesn't mean I still like going through it.

Or is it paranoia?

Anyway...have you ever felt like you're always just going to be second best? Or, not even, second best. Like, third, fourth, one-hundreth or...not best at all? (why does the term 'second best' exist anyway. best- is a superlative that says that just one person or thing ranks highest above all others.. its really stupid). Anyway, I guess this is pertaining to how I feel most times now. I know I should stop thinking about stupid High School stuff because I should be above that now and try consentrating on my studies..stuff that might actually be of importance to where I end up in my future. But, I guess maybe I haven't totally let go of being an HS student yet.

Because if I had, then I should probably stop caring why this person..why this person, despite what we've talked about (okay, just once) still..still is the same. I mean, I expected it. I did! Despite me falling for this person, I accepted that I wasn't going to receive the same feelings--that this person is still so totally committed to liking this other person..

I can't stop thinking about it though. I shouldn't let it get to me so much because its not that person's fault. And yet still.. still...still I'm like this. This is really not what I wanted to happen. Maybe I'm just sad... sad that I had to fall for someone that has someone way way high up on a pedestal...I'm just sad that I know I can never get close.. not even a little bit. Maybe that's what hurts the most...

And now, this friend of mine...well..I've either got to stop being paranoid or...or I should just kick myself really hard....

I, honestly, still continue to wonder why it is I'm always like this when it comes to that...why I still get that stupid feeling. I really, really, really thought I was above that, what I don't care anymore and yet...yet here I am still thinking about it. What should I care about it for? It has nothing to do with me, and it isn't like I've got anything to defend. It's not like I matter in that situation. So why, why, why am I back where I once was again? Oh, I'm going to quote my friend again on this one...

darn I can't find what she wrote before.. but anyway, I'll quote the last line she wrote.

"And I'm back again to where I started: falling and hurting."

The thing is, I don't know why this is happening. I really should get a grip and just get over it. I don't know how..maybe at the moment I'm too bored to pay attention to anything else, who knows. Maybe by the time college rolls around, we'd all be way too busy to think about those kind of things. Maybe I, too, will forget those stupid High School things and just concentrate...

My mom said that I will make new friends aside from the ones I have now. I know that as of right now, its kind of hard to imagine being friends with anybody else but the friends I have now. Maybe I'm just stubborn. Maybe this feeling is stubborn...I just hope I can forget about what I'm thinking, about what I'm feeling and hopefully, I'll find something better at the end of this pestiferous tunnel..

So, to you, the thoughts and the people lingering and irking the hell out of me (though, getting the hell out of me wouldnt be soo bad), be gone. I'm fine in a academically stressed and phsyically trying world but don't anyone or anything dare drag my emotions in to it. Because, I will go crazy.

"A world of 'if's but it made no difference. What was done was done. If I could go back in time...but I couldn't. The past is behind me. The best thing now would be to stop looking over my shoulder. It was time to forget the past and look to the present and future..."
-Cirque du Freak