What to do with an hour, imagination and stress.

No, this is not an instructional blog on what to do with an hour, imagination and stress. I wish I could provide the answer to the last one but right now, this is my way to kill time (the hour).

I am in school, waiting for the time that I will consult with my thesis mentor. Well, there's one thing I can say about him. Stressful. Hahaha. Okay, no, really. I'm really lucky that I got the best mentor for my type of thesis because he's accomplished and really smart and, I guess if you look past that sarcastic, dark humor, he's a really helpful mentor. I guess I'm just not that fond of the sarcastic, dark humor unless its, like, me talking. Haha. That aside, I think that so far I am doing okay. I'm waaaay out of whack with my gantt chart thesis timetable-thingy that I had to make and submit last term for my thesis proposal. At this point I should already be, what, 2/3s in writing my story but since I had to submit an outline first and then NOW I have to revise it, it might take another 2 weeks before I'm able to even start writing. Is 6 weeks enough to come up with a single draft of a screenplay? The books I have read tell me that such is possible, so I guess. But here's the rub. I partially don't know what I'm doing any more. My creative juices that I've reserved for my thesis is slowly being nuked away. Little by little I am being consumed with thoughts of other stories that might work into screenplays. The books I've read on screenplay writing told me this would happen: the denial to think and write. I'm making excuses not to write, "my idea isn't good enough", "ugh, I think, why am I even doing this!", "i think I have a better idea of what to write". All those, were in the book. They knew that writers try to excuse themselves from writing. Everyday I'm becoming more and more conscious of this and add to that the fact that I am WAY intimidated by my mentor, well, it doesn't help.

And I'm at that stage, i think, that I just want this part of my life to be done and overwith. I'm trying to go through things little by little. I don't count the days that go by for as long as they, in the end, do indeed come to pass. All I'm thinking is that everyday that passes that I am productive or just doing something, not being static and idle, i come a step closer to finishing studying and finally being able to do things that I restricted from doing because I'm a student. Not that I don't like studying completely. I mean, I have heard some adults in the workforce say that they prefer studying to working (maybe because there are more vacations). But I just believe that there is more waiting for me outside of school. It's difficult to explain really. Mostly I just miss my mom because I just want to go over there and restart my life. Or rather, officially start my adult life. I want to start making it up to her that she's been such a great mom and so I just want to be able to do something for her (i said that already but I'm lazy to edit it out).

Besides, I'm confined to school. I'm tired of seeing white and green all the time. Even if I'm only here a max of 3 times a week. It's still tiring. Not that I don't like the school, I'm very lucky to be here. I just feel constricted, that's all. The world is too huge to be stuck in one place for five years and four months, you know. I guess i'm just excited to spread my wings. It was only here in school that I realized I'm, to a certain level, claustrophobic. I like wide spaces, spaces where there are minimum people, where it can just be me and my imagination.

Darn, I need my imagination for my thesis though. To be honest, I don't know exactly what i'm consulting about today. I got my sequence outline back yesterday and it just made me confused. I guess I'm hoping for enlightenment today. Just something to clear my head or open it up to new ideas. I know that perhaps I got stuck in this place in my screenplay and I don't know how else to steer it. I just need an idea and a direction in which I can go so that I can start going in that direction, to be clearer. That's what I'm consulting about, I guess. I need clarity. What shocks me slightly is that my mentor told me that I can defend with an approved first draft of my screenplay. That was unbelievable considering that I'm not comfortable with just one draft. I'm a person of at least two drafts and someone that smiles at my work. That sense of reassurance. What I'm scared most about that I haven't dared admit until now is that I'm worried that my heart is not fully 100000% into this story. Maybe I'm still stuck at a hesitance that I can't explain. Can I defend something that I haven't totally learned to love yet? I'm getting there, I know it, because it's my story (of course with the help of my special thesismate). I just need that clarity of mind. Otherwise, I am lost. Lately, I've decided to suck up my fears and consult with my mentor whenever I feel like I really have to. I'm so intimidated that I would actually rather that we email instead of have face to face consultation but that really takes a lot of time and there is a risk of not coming to an understanding. I can't bare to waste time either, because I need all the time I can get (add to that the times that I feel like I have to take a breather from all the thinking and just do something I want to do for a change)...

The book by Syd Field that I borrowed and another of his books that I read said that I have to treat my screenplay like another half, like a boyfriend. Yeah, I try my best to. I think about "him" a lot but I'm just not sure what to do with "him". It's like I'm trying to speak to a person that only speaks when spoken to (much like my own personality at times). What's more, "he" only gives me one word answers or answers that don't seem to connect or have any sense.


32 minutes to go before consultation time.

I don't really know what makes me so nervous to talk to my mentor. Maybe its because he's really so intimidating. Otherwise, he is quite helpful. Perhaps though I was expecting someone that would be able to give me concrete answers, not vague ones that keep me swimming in my melted brain all the more. :c I can do this though. I can. As long as time continues to pass and I have my head on straight, keeping my eye on the goal (finishing), I can do it.

I guess in the end this blog was more about talking to myself (again) about the things I should set out to accomplish. I rarely seem to be really talking to anyone in my blogs anyway. Though, I guess that's really the tone of most blogs: either to make other people hear you or let you hear yourself.


OMG, philosophy... on that note, I am crazy about our philosophy professor *note sarcasm*. He makes absolute sense and now I want to practice being others to others. WTH, that so totally did not make sense at all. Why on earth. He talks to himself and then goes on with examples that don't seem to add up. I almost fell asleep in his class twice, most of the time I have to get by by trying to draw (which helps Micah I guess because I'm designing during then--go multitasking!), but the point is that he doesnt make sense... and his readings dont make sense and then during the exams he's going to expect really profound answers that is just not fair and Justin is threatening to abandon me! Okay no, he's not threatening to abandon me...but he is *thinking* of abandoning me which is still bad. Don't leave me aluuun! Hahaha. I don't want to drop this subject though. My philosophy on dropping subjects is that for as long as you pass it, take it. It will only extend my stay and add to future stress if I drop it, plus, its always managable no matter how weird the professor is. GENDERS was like that for me as well. It certainly made a bit more sense than in PHILOPE now, but still. Take it. Finish it. Remember what I said earlier, themore that I get done, the faster everything is going to be. Its like a make-shift time machine or adrenalin. Or something. Instead of time going faster, you are going faster that you speed through time. Achieve a quick pace, try to achieve the speed of light, no matter how much faster light is compared to you. And then time will pass faster. Whatever, I'm no Einstien on time travel or Stephen Hawkings but yeah. Go fast. Beat time. Go forward. Do my best. Kitto Daijoubu. Rock you. We can make it! Dive into the future. *is starting to spit out Arashi song titles. hahhahaha* OMG that's the key. Listen to arashi songs. It will solve all depressions hahahah.


Do I care that this entry was long? No. I thrive in length. Let's hope I can thrive in stress as well. Though, I don't want to make that a habit.